OLD PAIN-NEW PAIN

4-3-09:  This is a rough day for me.  It was 29 years ago, today, this was one of the hardest days of my life.  Now, it is still hard, but nothing compares to the pain of losing Scott. I have really been struggling, again, about not doing CPR, (although it seemed too late) and wishing I had just gone in Scott's room thirty minutes earlier.  I miss my boy so very much!  I just keep having flashbacks of finding him.  I know he never meant to die.  I so often wonder if he laid there, unable to call for help, just dying.  It is killing me.  I wish there were "do-over's" in real life! I recently read a book about significant things that have happened in the past fifty years.  One of the things I read really struck me.  It was a quote from a photographer, who later killed himself.  He left a note saying, "The pain is greater than the joy."  I feel like that.  It is not that I don't have joy in my life.  I have Craig, Chris, and Adam.  I have many wonderful friends.  But, it is true, the pain is greater than the joy.  I don't know how to make it otherwise.  This pain is all consuming.  I just keep taking one breath at a time, however.  I don't know why. This week, at school, has been hectic.  We are doing MAP testing.  It has been nice in many ways.  I got to get out of my regular routine and work with kids that have some learning problems but are not autistic.  It made the week go VERY fast!  Seven and one half weeks left of school!  YEA and YEA! I did have a funny "boy" thing happen today.  At least to me.  During MAP testing we give the kids snacks and bottled water.  I was walking down the hall and an eighth grade boy, as three girls were passing, put the bottle in his sports pants.  You can imagine what it looked like.....I walked by him and told him, "Don't do that.  It is so inappropriate."  Of course when he saw me he pushed the bottle away.  He then denied everything, telling me he did not know what I was talking about.  I told him, "Look, Dude, I have raised three sons, don't play me.  Just don't do that.  You really don't want me to embarrass you, do you?"  As I walked around the corner he told his buddy, "I am already emabarrassed."  It was funny in the sense that is what fourteen year old boys do.  I could've really gotten him in trouble.  On the other hand, I think I made more of an impact by just saying what I did, not reporting him, and going on about my business.  If I had reported him, he would only be mad and remember having to go to the office.  As it is, he only has one thing to remember....  I like to pick my battles.  Anyway, I hope it did make an impact. We went to a park for a field trip, today.  A picnic.  It was nice. The kids just played a lot.  I look like a tomato from sitting in the sun.  All that fresh air and sunshine really pooped me out!  Plus, we had to walk quite a bit to get there, and back.  I love to get paid for sitting in the sun! So, life, as painful as it is, goes on.