Old memories.
I remember back in high school there was one girl that would actually talk to me as a friend. She was quirky, cheerful and outgoing. Whenever she spoke to me and smiled or laughed I felt like she was genuinely doing so and wasn't putting on fake smiles.
We would hang out at school fairly often and just talk or joke as friends, and I remember thinking that her personality seemed just similar enough to my own that I coukd kind of think of her as a younger sister. She would even call me over summer vacation just to chat. We would even give each other occasional little gifts (I still use a comical keychain she gave me).
Unfortunately, the difference in age (maybe 3-4 years) and gender caused plenty of girls to give me dirty or accusatory looks. It was like they saw me as some creep who just wanted in her pants, despite my attempts to explain we were just friends. (She was the one who approached me first anyways. It started off with her striking up a conversation with me in a gym class where she asked if I wanted to see her weird toe. After talking for a bit we just sort of became friends over talking about odd mutual interests.)
I was thrilled being friends with her in high school. For me it was a huge deal that a girl wanted to be friends with me, much less talk to me. I went through much of my grade school years (k-12) feeling like I had some kind of invisible, inherent trait that made girls (but not guys for some reason) instinctually dislike me. At a few points it got to the point where I seriously questioned if any of my male friends actually liked me or if they were just pretending to and secretly disliked me like girls did.
For me, this girl wanting to be friends with me meant a great deal. She was like a shining validation that there wasn't actually something wrong with me that makes girls hate me for no reason.
Sadly she eventually stopped being friends with me when she changed schools. I felt like part of the reason was what other girls said about me hanging out with her.
Another part of the reason I suspect is because maybe I ended up coming across as trying to make advances on her by giving her gifts. The way she said goodbye when she was telling me about how she would be attending a different school the next year gave me the impression that she was starting to feel like that.
When I think back to our friendship in high school now I feel guilty about it ending. I question if maybe I seemed clingy or creepy to her.
I also question if any of the gifts I gave her might have seemed inappropriate for a just good friends type of relationship.
I would get her stuff like candy, albeit not particularly often. On one Valentine Day I got her some roses, since in my teenage mind that seemed like the thoughtful/appropriate gift to give. She seemed to like them at the time and later when her cat ate them we laughed about it together.
Now I wonder if maybe it was giving her gifts like those that drove her away.
Due to how I grew up I tended to get gifts for friends somewhat often (not necessarily for the same person each time), either just for fun or in some cases because I felt like I was obligated to in order to show that I was interested in friendship.
I know how that probably sounds. It probably sounds like I was giving gifts to people to "buy" their friendship because they asked me to get them stuff.
In truth though, that's not the case. I simply grew up feeling like in some cases you need to give people gifts to keep them happy. A prime example of where I learned this was from my mother, who has a tendency to somewhat spontaneously switch from being happy with something to being angry about it. One strategy for trying to keep those mood swings at bay was to get her small gifts periodically. Thinking about it now as an adult I'm not sure if doing that actually helped at all, but as a child it felt like it helped.
Anyways, I guess some of that behavior carried over to other relationships (including my friendship with this girl back in high school). Some part of me just felt like if I wasn't occasionally giving her small gifts she would think I had no interest in her of any kind.
I know that at least this served as a learning experience, but it still makes me a bit sad to think that I may have driven that friend away by seeming like I was clingy or creepy.
In recent years I have wondered if my anxieties, flashbacks or dissociations would be as bad if I were still good friends with her today. I just feel like having one close female friend during the rough patches might be comforting to me in some way.
At the same time I also wonder if any of my fears/anxieties regarding women stem from the guilt I feel over losing this girl as a friend all those years ago.
We would hang out at school fairly often and just talk or joke as friends, and I remember thinking that her personality seemed just similar enough to my own that I coukd kind of think of her as a younger sister. She would even call me over summer vacation just to chat. We would even give each other occasional little gifts (I still use a comical keychain she gave me).
Unfortunately, the difference in age (maybe 3-4 years) and gender caused plenty of girls to give me dirty or accusatory looks. It was like they saw me as some creep who just wanted in her pants, despite my attempts to explain we were just friends. (She was the one who approached me first anyways. It started off with her striking up a conversation with me in a gym class where she asked if I wanted to see her weird toe. After talking for a bit we just sort of became friends over talking about odd mutual interests.)
I was thrilled being friends with her in high school. For me it was a huge deal that a girl wanted to be friends with me, much less talk to me. I went through much of my grade school years (k-12) feeling like I had some kind of invisible, inherent trait that made girls (but not guys for some reason) instinctually dislike me. At a few points it got to the point where I seriously questioned if any of my male friends actually liked me or if they were just pretending to and secretly disliked me like girls did.
For me, this girl wanting to be friends with me meant a great deal. She was like a shining validation that there wasn't actually something wrong with me that makes girls hate me for no reason.
Sadly she eventually stopped being friends with me when she changed schools. I felt like part of the reason was what other girls said about me hanging out with her.
Another part of the reason I suspect is because maybe I ended up coming across as trying to make advances on her by giving her gifts. The way she said goodbye when she was telling me about how she would be attending a different school the next year gave me the impression that she was starting to feel like that.
When I think back to our friendship in high school now I feel guilty about it ending. I question if maybe I seemed clingy or creepy to her.
I also question if any of the gifts I gave her might have seemed inappropriate for a just good friends type of relationship.
I would get her stuff like candy, albeit not particularly often. On one Valentine Day I got her some roses, since in my teenage mind that seemed like the thoughtful/appropriate gift to give. She seemed to like them at the time and later when her cat ate them we laughed about it together.
Now I wonder if maybe it was giving her gifts like those that drove her away.
Due to how I grew up I tended to get gifts for friends somewhat often (not necessarily for the same person each time), either just for fun or in some cases because I felt like I was obligated to in order to show that I was interested in friendship.
I know how that probably sounds. It probably sounds like I was giving gifts to people to "buy" their friendship because they asked me to get them stuff.
In truth though, that's not the case. I simply grew up feeling like in some cases you need to give people gifts to keep them happy. A prime example of where I learned this was from my mother, who has a tendency to somewhat spontaneously switch from being happy with something to being angry about it. One strategy for trying to keep those mood swings at bay was to get her small gifts periodically. Thinking about it now as an adult I'm not sure if doing that actually helped at all, but as a child it felt like it helped.
Anyways, I guess some of that behavior carried over to other relationships (including my friendship with this girl back in high school). Some part of me just felt like if I wasn't occasionally giving her small gifts she would think I had no interest in her of any kind.
I know that at least this served as a learning experience, but it still makes me a bit sad to think that I may have driven that friend away by seeming like I was clingy or creepy.
In recent years I have wondered if my anxieties, flashbacks or dissociations would be as bad if I were still good friends with her today. I just feel like having one close female friend during the rough patches might be comforting to me in some way.
At the same time I also wonder if any of my fears/anxieties regarding women stem from the guilt I feel over losing this girl as a friend all those years ago.
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