Ok, it IS better, BUT.....
My July 17 entry has me feeling better. By that, I meant that the Bad Days, instead of being weeks on end with an occasional Normal Day here and there, then became 3-5 days a week. Yes, an improvement; instead of being emotionally beat with a bat every single day, it was only 3-5 days a week, but during the 3-5 days, it didn't feel any different.
So I went back to the gyn and had her increase the HRT doses. Again, an improvement: the beatings are now 1-3 days, but once again, during the beatings, it doesn't seem any like there's improvement.
No, I'm wrong; I'm not getting that overwhelming Total Feeling of Absolute Hopelessness and Despair like I was getting. Now it's just go out in the yard and cry...yes, an improvement, but still, the day is shot. The sadness and fatigue, now joined with lower GI issues requiring being close to a private bathroom, keep me in the house, and I want to get OUT.
In fact, I have to get out. My hubby's income is dropping, and in less than 1 1/2 years, my daughter will no longer be a minor, meaning the money that I get for being the disabled parent with a dependent will stop, which means that I need to get a job now. To continue to be eligible for Disability myself, I can't make more than a certain amount, so it's a part-time job for me. (Note: all the jobs my daughter's been checking out want high school graduates, even for just part-time. Things have changed since I was in high school; the low-income jobs once held only by students are now being filled by adults just trying to get by, usually with a family relying on that tiny income, which is why I'm all for raising the Minimum Wage).
But can I handle having a job? I don't know when, how long, or how hard the Bad Days hit. What if they hire me for 2 days a week, and just by luck, one or both of those days ends up to be Bad? I had a tough time the other morning (several hours of crying in the yard and asking the Powers That Be to please make it stop)...what if I had to go to work that day? Then yesterday, I got out of the house, but at one point was so overwhelmed with fatigue that instead of doing some drawing, I got up to get my errands done so I could go home and go to bed.
What employer is going to deal with that?
But I really don't have a choice.
I'm thinking that, once I start work, and begin interacting with people other than my husband, kid, and those who's conversations revolve around do I want to buy a bag to carry my purchases in, then I will become less self-obsessed; the fatigue, the sadness, will dissipate.
But then, I was also thinking that the increased hormones would also make my libido return. It hasn't. I still am not the slightest interested in sex. So what if I start work, and work doesn't work out?
As I said, I don't have much choice. We need the money. Period.
I shall save my rant about the Rift caused by my lack of interest in sex and my husband's still-highly-active libido for later. Right now, I've got to write the "About Me" part of my resume, and try and make me sound like an incredibly lively and fun person to hire.
......and I have not felt lively and fun for 10 years.
Wish me luck, ladies, and I send all of you Good Energy!
So I went back to the gyn and had her increase the HRT doses. Again, an improvement: the beatings are now 1-3 days, but once again, during the beatings, it doesn't seem any like there's improvement.
No, I'm wrong; I'm not getting that overwhelming Total Feeling of Absolute Hopelessness and Despair like I was getting. Now it's just go out in the yard and cry...yes, an improvement, but still, the day is shot. The sadness and fatigue, now joined with lower GI issues requiring being close to a private bathroom, keep me in the house, and I want to get OUT.
In fact, I have to get out. My hubby's income is dropping, and in less than 1 1/2 years, my daughter will no longer be a minor, meaning the money that I get for being the disabled parent with a dependent will stop, which means that I need to get a job now. To continue to be eligible for Disability myself, I can't make more than a certain amount, so it's a part-time job for me. (Note: all the jobs my daughter's been checking out want high school graduates, even for just part-time. Things have changed since I was in high school; the low-income jobs once held only by students are now being filled by adults just trying to get by, usually with a family relying on that tiny income, which is why I'm all for raising the Minimum Wage).
But can I handle having a job? I don't know when, how long, or how hard the Bad Days hit. What if they hire me for 2 days a week, and just by luck, one or both of those days ends up to be Bad? I had a tough time the other morning (several hours of crying in the yard and asking the Powers That Be to please make it stop)...what if I had to go to work that day? Then yesterday, I got out of the house, but at one point was so overwhelmed with fatigue that instead of doing some drawing, I got up to get my errands done so I could go home and go to bed.
What employer is going to deal with that?
But I really don't have a choice.
I'm thinking that, once I start work, and begin interacting with people other than my husband, kid, and those who's conversations revolve around do I want to buy a bag to carry my purchases in, then I will become less self-obsessed; the fatigue, the sadness, will dissipate.
But then, I was also thinking that the increased hormones would also make my libido return. It hasn't. I still am not the slightest interested in sex. So what if I start work, and work doesn't work out?
As I said, I don't have much choice. We need the money. Period.
I shall save my rant about the Rift caused by my lack of interest in sex and my husband's still-highly-active libido for later. Right now, I've got to write the "About Me" part of my resume, and try and make me sound like an incredibly lively and fun person to hire.
......and I have not felt lively and fun for 10 years.
Wish me luck, ladies, and I send all of you Good Energy!
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