ok, I gotta write
my energies really need to be put somewhere. Right now I need to create something.
It's like I am starting to be aware of the pattern within me - the force that wants things to be about me,
the force that wants sex, nearly a 'war like' force because I feel some aggression. Yet when it metamorphs into
expression like here in this journal, it's a little bit different. It becomes about expression, art and love..
I wrote something earlier and I will copy and past it here. What I say in my passage below is perhaps the need for acceptance.
Someone close to me also concurred. I think with the acceptance of my status I can learn to manage the forces within me better.
So this is what I wrote:
I think time and again - and again...I have thought to assess what
was holding me back, looking at my nature as best I could.
I tried to draw conclusions that might seem wise that might give
me the key to unlocking my potential or at least a clear way forward.
With the input of friends on my support group, rather than see this back and forth
between strength and searching for a firmament to stand on as something to judge,
or see as deficit, I am learning to accept
that this in a way is just human nature. The human condition. To swim around in all
of this...sometimes be on an island and sometimes in the deep.
I don't think I should judge myself because I so often don't have the answers...having and then not having, I'm told, is just how it is.
I went to work this morning - and was so foggy. I worked but I felt just so amorphous, unfocused, stupid and sad. I came home and I am just doing what I normally do.
I know this answer is only the beginning - but for now "accepting" seems to be my answer.
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Being more accepting is helping me deal with the day in a different way. I don't know why I am writing this - but so to just say what's on my mind 'being accepting' gives me a healthy distance to give voice to my energies and maybe not be so over-run by them.
Things are making sense. Friends, I need to express - this seems so self involved and convoluted. Time to go do another activity. :)
Peace and love, MM
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