ok got to do something with this
I had a hard time sleeping last night but I think in my 'birthday bliss' I forgot to take my Olanzapine
(I think) because it wasn't on the counter when I got up this morning - so I think I forgot! Whoops...
duly noted...
Anyways, today I've done a couple of errands and chores and now am having a hard time collecting
myself and mustering self value....How do I be self responsible about this situation? What are things
that help? Coming on here and writing it out does for one! Trying to be in touch with friends and family too.
But for the start of this venture I'll write that whatever twists and turns my mind my take - I know I've
got to take the initiative each morning - to just get dressed, showered cleaned up - chores taken care of
and keep the machine going. Everyone's gotta do that... I wondered to myself just a moment ago - while
I was feeling so self eclipsed by my feelings of woe and desperation and emptiness - then I wondered if anyone else has days
like that??? Where they get up and feel hollow, like their whole outlook feels empty and focused only on the
the moment in front of them - and then do they need to remind themselves to take one step in front of the other
to take care of responsibilities to self and home...It's so funny. I see myself in my cat Blue so much.
He's very skittish - and I can see how the little noises around the apartment and from outside - they can cause him
to focus on them - and then he fixates and he gets worked up into a panic...I've learned to calm him down - he's needy - and a little tiger -
but a good boy.
So now I think I am going to go to the local botanical garden and just take a walk. I've got to do something
and the tv is filled with such disaster it no longer entices.. or serves..
I hope you guys are having a good day... peace
Replies
I took a drive to the local catholic church. I joined the service for a very brief time.
It's been a long time since I've been in a church. They had their hands up
and were singing..
I took a couple of pics and then decided to drive on towards the shopping center on Westlake Blvd.
The Barnes and Noble doesn't open until 11 am now. New COVID hours.
So I took a drive home and I think now I am going to go to the Conejo Valley Botanic Garden.
It's a 'something nice' thing to do for sure.. It's a cloudy June gloom day here but I think all's well.
Sending peace and good vibes out there!!
today has been a challenging but I am trying to make sense of it for a wiser perspective.
I thought about going to the Descanso gardens this morning but I decided to go to the local Conejo Valley Botanical Gardens. Which I did. Climbed a hill and then sat on a bench for a while.
....and enjoyed it!
I have to say I've been spinning paranoid this morning while trying to get things done and 'get out there' in the world.
I don't know if this is the reason for it - but I am trying to suss out the meaning of it all.
So often I can feel like so afraid of going out - and then once
out I really get blinded by 'my way' of doing things - at least it was the case this morning - - i think there's so much fear to actually venture forth that what it
takes to get out there maybe is related to this paranoia.
Like I am coaching myself to make my version of life for myself since I feel so
scared to put a foot wrong .
Then I called my Dad to say hi and the paranoia I had, stood in stark contrast to his loving reception of me on the phone.
I am so grateful and have to work on how not to let this illness cloud my vision/perception. Every day seems a new version
that I have to figure out. It's frustrating.
ps- I also think I may have forgotten to take my Olanzapine by accident last night - the bottle of it wasn't on the counter in my bathroom with the others.
I took them all I thought last night - but perhaps in my birthday bliss I simply missed it because they were all hidden away for the company that was here.
I took the Olanzapine this morning though - just in case.
I liked this phrase... it seems to echo here in this post. “One day you will need the grace you refuse to give to someone else.” - perhaps grace for me and others is something to focus on -
and a kind of relative reasoning.
Mark, long time no see. I finally managed to get back into my account. It's great to see a familiar face. Many changes in my life. I moved to Arizona ,,,,,,not sure I like it . Heat is brutal. My new Pdoc is a dud. Hope you are doing well
hi dancingd!! welcome back! I hope you find a therapist you like! keep on keeping on!