OH, MY!!!
June 16, 2010: Well, Thursday, the 17th, is "the day". Three years! It seems like a minute ago and yet a lifetime!
I know things are getting more and more different each day. They are not better. But, I am blessed with Natalie, (my granddaughter), Chris, Adam, Craig, my mom, and all the wonderful friends I have! When Scott died, I wanted to die, too. In so many ways, I did. But, I continue to take one day and one breath at a time. I have learned each day brings whatever it brings. If I am sad, so be it. If I am pensive, so be it. If it is a dark day, so be it. I don't fight the feelings anymore. I just try to go moment by moment and do the best I can.
I took a nap and had a wonderful dream of Scott when he was young. I did not want to wake up! I wonder, if in the afterlife, our children go back to where ever they were when they were most at peace and the happiest. Actually, all of us.... I do hope that is true that we go back to the place/age when we were the best of ourselves.
I (pat myself on the back) have made plans for tomorrow. A friend of mine is coming over to cry and to laugh, with me, while floating in the pool. She, over twenty years ago, lost a son only twelve hours after birth. I knew her then. I did not understand. But, we have been friends a long time and I know she understands that I did not understand.
Today I have to take Adam for an MRI on his back. He, only 23, has so many back problems. I hope "they" can figure out what is wrong and how to help him.
On Friday my sweet Natalie is coming for a visit! She gives me a joy that is much needed.
So......we will see how my journal goes for tomorrow.... That is one of the worst things, for me, about this journey.....I feel crazy sometimes at the flip-flop of emotions!
I know things are getting more and more different each day. They are not better. But, I am blessed with Natalie, (my granddaughter), Chris, Adam, Craig, my mom, and all the wonderful friends I have! When Scott died, I wanted to die, too. In so many ways, I did. But, I continue to take one day and one breath at a time. I have learned each day brings whatever it brings. If I am sad, so be it. If I am pensive, so be it. If it is a dark day, so be it. I don't fight the feelings anymore. I just try to go moment by moment and do the best I can.
I took a nap and had a wonderful dream of Scott when he was young. I did not want to wake up! I wonder, if in the afterlife, our children go back to where ever they were when they were most at peace and the happiest. Actually, all of us.... I do hope that is true that we go back to the place/age when we were the best of ourselves.
I (pat myself on the back) have made plans for tomorrow. A friend of mine is coming over to cry and to laugh, with me, while floating in the pool. She, over twenty years ago, lost a son only twelve hours after birth. I knew her then. I did not understand. But, we have been friends a long time and I know she understands that I did not understand.
Today I have to take Adam for an MRI on his back. He, only 23, has so many back problems. I hope "they" can figure out what is wrong and how to help him.
On Friday my sweet Natalie is coming for a visit! She gives me a joy that is much needed.
So......we will see how my journal goes for tomorrow.... That is one of the worst things, for me, about this journey.....I feel crazy sometimes at the flip-flop of emotions!
Replies
I hope Adam gets some answers take care of yourself my friend and know you are loved here and supported
I have a friend who lost her son at just 13 days old, we have been friends since we were children. She has been someone to really share with too. I\'ll be thinking of you on the 17th (it\'s less than 3 hours away here), and every day besides. Charlotte.
Enjoy the time with your friend. I hope Adam can ge some needed answers. I\'ll be sending my prayers for tomorrow. Peace to you , Nora
I hope you and your friend have a very pleasant day at the pool. I find so much peace at my pool. Last year was an emotional struggle to open it. Chad loved it so much, but all I wanted to do was plow it under. I am glad I journaled and got everyone\'s advise on it. I do love my happy place. Sending you a big hug, Barbara
Thinking of you, and knowing how one day is calm, and the next is stormy. It is hour to hour most of the time. I think that when we cross, we remember our divinity and connection to Source, to God. It matters not what form we are for our true self is an infinite and pure light shimmering with love. I have to believe our precious sons are at peace. I think if we expect miracles, and watch for Angels we stay connected.......enjoy your lovely day with your friend.
I\'ll be thinking of you tomorrow on Scott\'s Angel Date. I am glad that you can enjoy your granddaughter, your pool, the company of friends & your family. I will pray that Adam gets relief from his back pain. You are amazing & doing well by focusing on your blessings even on those difficult days. The flip -flop of emotions is hard for me too, I so know what you mean. I am going to pray for Adam & you & all of your family right now. Love you, Linda
Ginger, you will be in my thoughts tomorrow on Scott\'s angel day. I pray the day unfolds gently for all of you. I just passed the three year mark too. How is it that we are still here and breathing? Like you, I wanted to die and thought I couldn\'t live with the pain, but somehow we\'re still here. You are right, we take one day at a time and keep our hearts and minds open to the full range of emotions and experiences that come our way and in any form they choose to come to us. We have to allow ourselves a lot of room to \"be where we are\", wherever that may be. I\'m so glad you will be surrounding yourself with a good friend tomorrow. She will understand and let you \"be\" wherever you may need to be in your heart and mind. Prayers for Adam that he may get some answers and get on the road to healing. Love to you. Robin
Wishing you a day of peace. Hugs Cathy
lots of love and peace, calmness and knowing. love jan
It sounds like you have a plan...and plans are good. I think this friend of yours sounds like the perfect person to share your day and \"whatever\" your emotions are....go there...stay away from there...cry...laugh...whatever. I passed the three year mark in May...it is strange and it is everything you describe. I have learned to go with the flow of emotions...and it sounds as you have too. Take care of you and please know that I hope that the day is more gentle than you can imagine. Love and hugs...Karen
Sounds like a great plan for tomorrow. The pool sounds perfect and your friend will be an enormously comforting presence.
I\'m almost at one year (July 27th) and am beginning to learn to go with the flow of emotions as well. Just today I was doing really well, getting a lot of errands done, including getting a tire fixed on the car. The minute I got back home for lunch I glanced at my husband\'s screensaver and saw a pic of Corrie ~ BAM! ~ sobbing. Now I\'m ok again.
Can we say...schizophrenic??? yikes!
Sending love and hugs for a gentle day tomorrow ~ Debbie
Wishing you peace, comfort & many more beautiful dreams. Love & Hugs.
Wishing you a peaceful day in your pool with your good friend. A good place to be. I too hope Adam gets some answers for his back pain. He\'s so young to be having that. Love and hugs, Julia
Hope that your day is peaceful. I didn\'t realize our angel dates were so close. Mine was on the 16th, Bobby will have been gone 16 years. Love & hugs coming your way...Connie