Oh what a day!!!

The only friend that I have, my BF, I went off on today. I did not mean to but she calls and ask the same stupid question everyday. " hey, what's up?" And the answer is still the same, " nothing" I am still not working and my unemployment is  still about to run out, I still miss my Grandmother, my son is still an asshole and I am still sleeping by myself. I REALLY do not have anything positive to bring to a conversation.
And I know like clock work, that she is not feeling good around this time of year. Her mother died( boo woo!)  and her Bday is Dec. 21st.. And I am sorry and I think of my her sometimes, but it is my turn to feel some sort of way! Jesus, if you really cared she would have a tomb stone!!!!!!  A DUH!!
I am PISSED OFF,selfish, mad, jealous, angry, fustrated, sad, lonely, tired, depressed, stressed, over weight, and I do not feel like talking unless it is about me and how to help me and how I feel today and I am sorry that I did hear you say this or that. I had my bills and children on my mind!!!! FUCK XMAS, I NEED TO PAY THE RENT!!! 
I think that she wants to BS talk and take my mind off of my life and it may have worked in the past, but it is not working now. (BTW, I did not call her, she calls me!!!) I love her dearly, I really do, but I need time and space to think all about me and my family. I do not want to discuss her nails, hair, her son (my Godson), her no good husband ( who she should divorce, what a waste of time), I do not want to discuss how she feels about work ( A JOB!!!!) No, I do not want to talk unless I am on an interview!!!! I want to know WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME!!!
This is not very Christian of me, but I am not feeling like myself. I know that this is not healthy for me, but I am not feeling like myself. I know that things will get better soon, but right now I am not feeling like myself or thinking rationally. I know that I need to have faith and everything will be okay, but right now I am not feeling like myself!
It will be two years December 17, that I was fired from my job. And everyday, every week I think about that day. I think that I have let my family down. I have taken way the chance of a decent childhood. I had to grow up thinking about money because my mother always complained about bills and we could not do this or that because she didnot have money. I am slowly dying and I need help. My stress is so bad that I have been to the hospital twice in one week. My blood pressure is high and I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I know now that it's panic, but I need rest. Some times I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest! I can not seem to stop thinking! and worrying!