oh for the love of balance

I 'get it' that especially here at a Christian monastery, people are trying to find peace with their passions while living with and by their relationship with God. We're living with and awake to our passions which is not easy for a great number of us. Rather than form judgments or draw conclusions about each other as a method of dealing with each other, as I have been prone to do (probably influenced by personalizing things that come flying at me),I'm realizing here at the monastery we all come kind of broken by life.  We are ensconced with our relationship with god as our source and wellspring of heavenly communication to help us manage each day.  Our animalistic energies are given an explanation by this religion that we have them and the struggle we have keeping them in check is something we're all dealing with here.

So I'm looking more at others as searching for and wanting peace all around me here. 

Tnere's more humanity in my view rather than a knee jerk reaction.

I also have to say that the level of submission of myself to the community and ceremony especially for me really wreaks havoc at times with my sense of peace. That's something to consider. It's an extreme life here I realize I've felt compelling but it may not be so good for me. Just as certain things for many of us that we're drawn ti in all walks of life, may not be all together or always be healthy. Tonight though I have realized what my time here is all about. It's a kind of militant structure where we all get our work and orders are barked at us at times as well as corrections, is sone how something reassuring. Life and taking care of it is getting done. Simply and effectively. It's snug. I also want to hearken to say maybe the extreme nature of the relationships is something I've had to honestly look at. I can so look at life's iconography sometimes and then think 'that's the way life is supposed to be.' Especially though it can be a false way of self identifying as icons can make us feel we are wrong if they are not perfectly mirrored. While 'the way things are supposed to be'may be a mollifying idea, real life is individually different and real. Maybe it's kind of understandable that the surface must be scratched. It's something we're have to fight for and so our battles and achievements are our own for sure . I'm in my room now cuddling with Blue. My sense of bristling on edge passion is diminishing and it seems most everyday I go to some new extreme here. Oh for the love of balance but perhaps passion and being ok with it while having my structure here is what life is about. Perhaps the way life is understood here is getting to me. Coming back to this journal this morning has me knowing that this life here has me more able to deal with diversity and myself.