Office bullshit triggering other bullshit
I have a huge day ahead of me today. I have a trial and people are coming in to sign divorce papers. I’m filled with angst and I know I have to get it out before I face today.
I don’t even know where to start. I met this chick- her name is H- she’s a kind hearted woman and we’re good friends. She works in the suite next to mine in my office building. She listens to me vent all the time. I think I needed a female friend so fucking bad and when she came along I was grateful for her presence. I talk to her all the time, about everything. In fact there’s a lot of time that I should be working and I’m bullshitting with her. I have to start being a little more disciplined. What happened today is not her fault at all- I take full responsibility for my actions. But she tends to get upset easily with other’s bullshit. And my landlord is full of bullshit. Now he is what he is- I pay 350 a month in rent and that’s low and he knows it. So there are many things I do without. Among them recently has been our garbage service. He stopped paying for it. I had it when I moved into the office- a garbage. He pointed to it as a place to put my garbage. It is true that at no point did he promise for there to be garbage for me for the duration of me renting there. That is true. However- he did point to a garbage and tell me I could use it and it was there for about a year and a half. And one day it was gone. I called up my landlord- S- and told him it was gone. That’s when it began. Now I knew he was cheap as hell. I’ve always known that about him. But I think before then I thought he was somewhat decent and good. He’s always been kind to me and said encouraging things to me- like he believes in me and thinks I will be successful. That meant a lot to me. I think I had a soft spot in my heart for him and I think I let that fuck with my business judgment. I used to think that he would listen to me when I call w an issue- b/c he used to. But I think he has his limits and that’s just him and I have to either accept that and stay in that office or let it bring me angst. So here’s what he said when I called up about the garbage. He said he never paid for the garbage and acted like he never made any mention of the garbage. That’s not true- that statement insulted my intelligence. I felt really betrayed. Like I said- its true that he never promised me garbage service for my entire time there- but he never told me otherwise either. I assumed there would be garbage service and he didn’t stop me from assuming it. So he wasn’t completely innocent. But to be honest- I felt really insulted by the way he talked to me. I felt betrayed. And my friend H kind of amped that feeling in me.
Now I think the garbage thing is total bullshit. I think my landlord’s a cheap fuck and I’m mad as hell that he can’t spring for a fucking garbage for the building when he takes in at least 2500 monthly for that place. But you know what- I don’t know what his cost structure is- and its really none of my business at all. I knew the story when I came into this office. Love it or leave it. And to be honest- he’s been good about a lot of things. My point is this- I probably would have just let it go. But I let other people get in my head and amp me up. I guess I’ve always considered myself the fixer- when other’s have problems I fix it. I’m a lawyer- its what I do. I’m also an ACOA- and it’s definitely what I did in my family. And it stays with me. But its an old and destructive way of being and it has to be stopped. Anyway- so everyday I come in and my friend has something to say about the garbage. Now I listen to her and I agree with her- my landlord is cheap as shit. But it is what it is. She doesn’t pay rent there- her boss does. So she doesn’t talk to S- I do. And then there’s my friend downstairs- she just started leaving her garbage in the hall and I found that funny. Then I came into work yesterday and the place smelled. And it was disgusting. Looking back I think it was my fault- b/c I had a garbage w food in it in my office. But I didn’t take the time to think it through before I made the call to S. I wasn’t thinking. I should have taken a minute- collected my thoughts- checked my emotions- and made the call. But I just jumped instead. I had this chick in my ear bitching about what a prick my landlord is. And she’s my friend. So- even though she never once asked me to call S for her- I took it upon myself to step in and save the day. And it blew up in my face. Badly.
I told him it smelt because of the garbage. He said he’d come in. Okay. Then I put the AC on- now it’s a unit for the whole building and the only control for it is in my office- so I deal with whatever bullshit when people are hot. And once again- I’ve made the comfort in the building my personal issue. So then after I put the AC on I realize the smell is coming from the AC. I was still trying to figure shit out when S called me back. He asked me to identify the smell and I told him maybe it was the AC. Now- he was very specific that the AC was only to be used on days when it was extremely hot. So I’ve always conserved with it. Long story short- we got into it about the garbage- same argument as before. This time he told me I couldn’t use the AC anymore. I got very emotional. I’ve mistakenly made this battle with him my own- and its not. It’s everyone’s issue. And to be honest with you- the garbage thing really doesn’t mean that much to me. But its this thing with me- when people I care about are upset I just take shit over and try to save them. I have to stop that. It’s just easier said than done. I don’t really know how to be any other way. I do it in my career. But the thing is this- I’m supposed to do it in my career. People come in and ask for my help and I help them. There’s nothing unhealthy about it. But the other caretaking I do is unhealthy- and it takes my energy away from what’s important.
I’m very happy to have met my friend H. She’s a kind and compassionate soul. But she has her issues, as I do, and I have to allow them to be hers. She can choose to get upset over every little thing involving others. She has a right to her emotion. I have to let that be hers. I can’t keep stepping in and trying to save her. She doesn’t need saving. She’s successful and a homeowner and I’m broke and living w my ma. She’s not the one who needs saving. From here on in I’m going to let her have her angst and not allow myself to be upset about the AC garbage situation.
Then there’s my other office mate- B. He’s my ex’s partner. He’s a condescending fuck. He’s a therapist that instinctually talks to people like their stupid. Recently him and I seem to not be getting along. But you know- I see my part in that one too. I just started my own business out of school. I didn’t understand that politics of business. People smile and talk to you and you feel like- these people are my friends- but they are usually just being nice. Even if they’re a therapist. And that’s a hard pill for me to swallow. I’ve had a lot of really deep conversations with B. I’ve told him way more about my life then I really ever should have. And I’ve been more honest about my opinion with him then I really ever should have. I just needed a friend so badly. I needed someone to listen to me. I was so hurt and messed up and I needed help. My meetings do that for me now. But before them I had a history of telling very personal shit to inappropriate people at inappropriate times. I know I made B my quassi therapist. My mistake. He used to act like he was listening to me. Then again- maybe I just needed to talk to someone so bad that I didn’t care who it was. Anyway- I feel a certain level of vulnerability when it comes to B for that reason. And some things have happened recently that make me think that opening up to him was a mistake. To be continued…
I don’t even know where to start. I met this chick- her name is H- she’s a kind hearted woman and we’re good friends. She works in the suite next to mine in my office building. She listens to me vent all the time. I think I needed a female friend so fucking bad and when she came along I was grateful for her presence. I talk to her all the time, about everything. In fact there’s a lot of time that I should be working and I’m bullshitting with her. I have to start being a little more disciplined. What happened today is not her fault at all- I take full responsibility for my actions. But she tends to get upset easily with other’s bullshit. And my landlord is full of bullshit. Now he is what he is- I pay 350 a month in rent and that’s low and he knows it. So there are many things I do without. Among them recently has been our garbage service. He stopped paying for it. I had it when I moved into the office- a garbage. He pointed to it as a place to put my garbage. It is true that at no point did he promise for there to be garbage for me for the duration of me renting there. That is true. However- he did point to a garbage and tell me I could use it and it was there for about a year and a half. And one day it was gone. I called up my landlord- S- and told him it was gone. That’s when it began. Now I knew he was cheap as hell. I’ve always known that about him. But I think before then I thought he was somewhat decent and good. He’s always been kind to me and said encouraging things to me- like he believes in me and thinks I will be successful. That meant a lot to me. I think I had a soft spot in my heart for him and I think I let that fuck with my business judgment. I used to think that he would listen to me when I call w an issue- b/c he used to. But I think he has his limits and that’s just him and I have to either accept that and stay in that office or let it bring me angst. So here’s what he said when I called up about the garbage. He said he never paid for the garbage and acted like he never made any mention of the garbage. That’s not true- that statement insulted my intelligence. I felt really betrayed. Like I said- its true that he never promised me garbage service for my entire time there- but he never told me otherwise either. I assumed there would be garbage service and he didn’t stop me from assuming it. So he wasn’t completely innocent. But to be honest- I felt really insulted by the way he talked to me. I felt betrayed. And my friend H kind of amped that feeling in me.
Now I think the garbage thing is total bullshit. I think my landlord’s a cheap fuck and I’m mad as hell that he can’t spring for a fucking garbage for the building when he takes in at least 2500 monthly for that place. But you know what- I don’t know what his cost structure is- and its really none of my business at all. I knew the story when I came into this office. Love it or leave it. And to be honest- he’s been good about a lot of things. My point is this- I probably would have just let it go. But I let other people get in my head and amp me up. I guess I’ve always considered myself the fixer- when other’s have problems I fix it. I’m a lawyer- its what I do. I’m also an ACOA- and it’s definitely what I did in my family. And it stays with me. But its an old and destructive way of being and it has to be stopped. Anyway- so everyday I come in and my friend has something to say about the garbage. Now I listen to her and I agree with her- my landlord is cheap as shit. But it is what it is. She doesn’t pay rent there- her boss does. So she doesn’t talk to S- I do. And then there’s my friend downstairs- she just started leaving her garbage in the hall and I found that funny. Then I came into work yesterday and the place smelled. And it was disgusting. Looking back I think it was my fault- b/c I had a garbage w food in it in my office. But I didn’t take the time to think it through before I made the call to S. I wasn’t thinking. I should have taken a minute- collected my thoughts- checked my emotions- and made the call. But I just jumped instead. I had this chick in my ear bitching about what a prick my landlord is. And she’s my friend. So- even though she never once asked me to call S for her- I took it upon myself to step in and save the day. And it blew up in my face. Badly.
I told him it smelt because of the garbage. He said he’d come in. Okay. Then I put the AC on- now it’s a unit for the whole building and the only control for it is in my office- so I deal with whatever bullshit when people are hot. And once again- I’ve made the comfort in the building my personal issue. So then after I put the AC on I realize the smell is coming from the AC. I was still trying to figure shit out when S called me back. He asked me to identify the smell and I told him maybe it was the AC. Now- he was very specific that the AC was only to be used on days when it was extremely hot. So I’ve always conserved with it. Long story short- we got into it about the garbage- same argument as before. This time he told me I couldn’t use the AC anymore. I got very emotional. I’ve mistakenly made this battle with him my own- and its not. It’s everyone’s issue. And to be honest with you- the garbage thing really doesn’t mean that much to me. But its this thing with me- when people I care about are upset I just take shit over and try to save them. I have to stop that. It’s just easier said than done. I don’t really know how to be any other way. I do it in my career. But the thing is this- I’m supposed to do it in my career. People come in and ask for my help and I help them. There’s nothing unhealthy about it. But the other caretaking I do is unhealthy- and it takes my energy away from what’s important.
I’m very happy to have met my friend H. She’s a kind and compassionate soul. But she has her issues, as I do, and I have to allow them to be hers. She can choose to get upset over every little thing involving others. She has a right to her emotion. I have to let that be hers. I can’t keep stepping in and trying to save her. She doesn’t need saving. She’s successful and a homeowner and I’m broke and living w my ma. She’s not the one who needs saving. From here on in I’m going to let her have her angst and not allow myself to be upset about the AC garbage situation.
Then there’s my other office mate- B. He’s my ex’s partner. He’s a condescending fuck. He’s a therapist that instinctually talks to people like their stupid. Recently him and I seem to not be getting along. But you know- I see my part in that one too. I just started my own business out of school. I didn’t understand that politics of business. People smile and talk to you and you feel like- these people are my friends- but they are usually just being nice. Even if they’re a therapist. And that’s a hard pill for me to swallow. I’ve had a lot of really deep conversations with B. I’ve told him way more about my life then I really ever should have. And I’ve been more honest about my opinion with him then I really ever should have. I just needed a friend so badly. I needed someone to listen to me. I was so hurt and messed up and I needed help. My meetings do that for me now. But before them I had a history of telling very personal shit to inappropriate people at inappropriate times. I know I made B my quassi therapist. My mistake. He used to act like he was listening to me. Then again- maybe I just needed to talk to someone so bad that I didn’t care who it was. Anyway- I feel a certain level of vulnerability when it comes to B for that reason. And some things have happened recently that make me think that opening up to him was a mistake. To be continued…
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