Off work today.

Yesterday I was so eager to start my counseling. I know that it would not be a miracle answer and they can't tell me what to do but they can help me decide to make the best decision for me. Yesterday during work I was breaking down crying it seemed like every 30 minutes or so. I figured having another day off would help me.Very hard to stay focused. Then after work I drove to the school park me and my husband had met and I did a little more sobbing. I can't believe how much this situation has shown me how much I do love him.
Counseling went well. I am so glad I took that step. Its hard because my ins. don't cover it. But my sanity is important to keep:) Also I want to give my marriage every opportunity to work even if I don't have the money I will find it. Thank God I found a place that will base it on my income.
The counseling confirmed to me that the emotions I am dealing with are all normal for the situation at hand. This is good because I truly felt as though I was loosing my mind. I have also realized that I need to do for me. I want  to be the best person I can be no matter what happens to my marriage. I am gong to (try) to focus on the future and not live and dwell on the past. The past is only painful. Well we will see how that goes:) Positive thinking! No more checking out the OW on her myspace or facebook because it brings no positive at all.....Maybe I will even put up the Christmas tree. I usually do that over Thanksgiving weekend but with being the week I found out about the affair I didn't care about anything.
But after I came home last night it was such a good feeling seeing my husband home from work and we just laid on the bed holding one another for the rest of the night. So my day couldn't have ended better.
Thanks for listening....This journal so helps me:)
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m glad you found the counseling reassuring. These emotions you feel right now and the anger are so raw that they are scary. In general we don\'t normally experience this level of emotional intensity so it is overwhelming. Let yourself cry, let yourself grieve and give yourself time.
deleted_user
deleted_user

To be honest I think you sound remarkably focused and balanced considering what you are going through at the moment. I wish you all the strength you need as it is a difficult path. I am glad that there was a moment of peace and tenderness in your day. You will need as many of them as you can get.
Thinking of you today.
DawnRanae
DawnRanae

Thank you:) Is it funny how feelings or moods can change in a second. Today has been good.Me and Matt have held each other a lot and talked about a few things that are hurting or making us mad. I asked him a question that I really shouldn\'t have....Guess I was looking for more of that reassurance thing. I asked him if he had feelings for her and his answer was yes. Yes he is here with me today but if he had or probably has feeling for her that just pushes my insecurity to a higher level. If one thing goes wrong with us will he think about leaving me for her like he said he was going to before. Maybe I would feel better if it was just a sex thing. Is he just here to\"do the right thing\"....Then to make it better he is on the fire department and just got a call for a transfer for a patient to go from the hospital to the nursing home that (she) works at. I asked him to not go. If he has feeling for her then what will happen when she try\'s to talk to him or looks at him all said. I am sorry AW1972, I really dont feel so focused at the moment. Turning into a sobbing fool again. I hate my life right now:(
deleted_user
deleted_user

Prepare yourself, if possible because the up and down days will go on. Just know that with time the downs are less severe and the ups will last longer. I am only 2 1/2 months out and they still happen, but are so less severe than in the first month. I stayed so tore up I could not eat and dropped 24 lbs in just 6 weeks. I have stablized now. I am eating again, still don\'t usually care if I do or not, but at least it no longer makes me sick. You have to be careful what questions you ask. Sometimes the answers are too painful to hear. Im glad you started counseling. My H and I are just beginning to talk some now about it, but up to now this site is all I have had and I wouldn\'t be as far as I am without it. So keep posting and working on what you need to get thru this. And know the rollercoaster of emotions you are going thru are totally normal!! We are all in this together! Hugs to you!!!