Off Meds

I've been off of cipralex for a few weeks because it makes me sleep so much and I need to try to complete school work. It was okay at first, and I was excited because I thought the twice weekly therapy, the CBT reading, etc. they had all just made me a stronger person. I hit "bottom" in the summertime as my therapist put it. It was really dark for a while, and not the sad kind of dark, but the slightly psychotic kind where sadness is secondary to nothing making sense. I don't know that I am sad again. I don't know if I am sad or just realistic now. For the last week I've been thinking of renting a hotel room in the city for a few days and OD'ing on some pills and alcohol. It might be a slow death but it will be a death. I don't have any money. I thought of all kinds of excuses I could come up with to borrow a ton of money from mom so I could do this. But today something happened. My dad, whom I haven't spoken to since March, got me a birthday gift. It's a card with three prepaid Visa cards for $500 each, more than enough to book four days in a room downtown. I don't have any last meal fantasies. I just want to do what needs to be done.
 
*I'm not actually serious about this. It's all just thoughts. I would never do this...
 
It's all fake with medication. I might never be happy again... I want ECT again, so badly. I want to forget everything again.
 
This seems so unwarranted considering my life.