Of Tough Love and the Enablers

'Twas sad and a wee bit upsetting here on DS today. It is sad to see so much infighting on the boards.  Frightening, to an extent.  We like to call it drama, but drama is really just a kind word for it. There is, somewhere underlying every major conflict, an opinion held by someone that they are right and there is no room for debate.  In some areas, this is undeniably true.  The earth revolves around the sun...it isn't flat...it is about 13 billion years old.  These are demonstratable facts, and we know these things as solidly as we can know anything at all. In areas involving the human mind, however?  Rarely are things quite so clear cut.  While it is plain that some are clinically psychopathic and should be locked up for the good of society, most of psychology is a gray zone.  What works with one will not work with another.  There are principles which are demonstratably better than others, but there are few psychologists who would suggest that these principles work the same in every situation. Tough love?  It sounds like something workable in principle by it does not work well in practice.  NIH noted that "get tough treatments do not work and there is some evidence that they may make the problem worse".  Bluntness is acceptable, but bluntness without tact will fall on deaf ears. And bluntness is worse than useless unless the person being blunt is absolutely sure that they are correct.  Who among us can provide a clear resume supporting the right to that kind of certainty?  Being cruel to be kind more often then not just turns out to be cruel sans kindness. Then there is "enabling behaviors".  Psychology is clearer on this...enabling is bad for both the enabler and the enably.  But, seriously, can we of DS really "enable" someone in the true sense of the word?  According to Wikipedia: A common theme of enabling...is that third parties take responsibility, blame, or make accommodations for a person's harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person themselves does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. Enabling, in other words, is more than just giving verbal support to someone.  It is a behavior in oneself that allows a negative behavior in another to continue.  Usually this is seen with spouse or parents of drug or alcohol dependent individules.  The enabler makes the behavior of the other person possible.  Is this really possible through DS?  Maybe in the most general psychological sense, but even then it would be a very innefective. Instead, it seems that this psychology is misinterpreted and misused by people as an excuse to say hurtful things. So, what is the purpose of this journal post?  It is little but a passive agressive attack at those hurt others on the boards today--those who are patting themselves on the back for winning a battle where none existed.  I wonder if Daily Strength, the lives of ANY of the parties involved, or indeed the world in general has been in any way improved by this little "victory" that they this day claim? And if not, what, then, was the purpose of it all? Sigh,Alphonsus

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

oh i have seen this all happening here in all these weeks and i have remained silent.. silent for fear of offending anyone... it has gone past this point now.. i personally do not believe in tough love as it is defined... enabling is another situation.... we all have opinions here and there is bound to be a little conflict along the way.... a vast number of personalities and all with past histories of one abuse or another.... to please everyone here would be impossible.. somewhere in all this is a thing called \" right and wrong\". simple really if you think about it!!! respecting others opinions and allowing them to have those opinions as long as they are not hurtful to another... ignoring those we can\'t tolerate is a respectful thing to do.. for the sake of the board, if for no other reason...... there are a few here that have personal vendettas against each other.. they should resolve them in personal pm\'s... having bad feelings for someone and jumping in their threads only to cause discord is unacceptable to me.... i am not taking about any one person here. there are several that do this... it needs to be stopped.... this is not a \" fight zone\".. i support you and the the other wonderful cl\'s here that do their best to defuse this kind of activity... you have my support...... xxx sheila
deleted_user
deleted_user

Were there any victories? I sure as heck didn\'t see any evidence of that. It\'s pretty much broken me up and made me consider leaving here. I can only hope that the hate subsides, but honestly, knowing the parties involved, I don\'t think so.
Alphonsus
Alphonsus

I\'m pretty sure that there are at least three who are considering themselves as having \"won\" a major battle this e\'en. But I have to agree. No. There were no victories.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I must be incredibly naive or something, b/c I feel like complete shit and I was trying to remain fair, not sure I did though. But you\'re probably right.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Great eye-opening journal. I have no solutions because the majority of us here are not passive robots that \"just go with the flow\" - we couldn\'t if we tried because there is no real flow here. This is a very diverse eclectic group of people. Respect is the answer be it tough love, enabling, etc. Hugs Steve :)
Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan

Wow!

You have some very insightful things to say. The point about there being no real victories yesterday is spot on.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Pahhhhh...need...water....very bad taste in my mouth. All of it is so disappointing. All of it.
deleted_user
deleted_user

IMHO a victory is something to be rejoiced and something to revel in, and I have seen nothing that would constitute either. It\'s just truly sad and heartbreaking.

The biggest thing for me is that I have people I truly care about at odds with one another. That makes it tough for anyone in that position.

The only victories we should seek are the victories against the illnesses we are afflicted with. We all share a common bond here, and to break off from a whole in battling our depression, etc into smaller groups that attack not only makes those who are involved worse for wear, but those who stay on the outside of it are cloaked with fear and, ultimately, silenced because of what they may encounter.

There is absolutely no need for taking the sharpened stick and continually poking the ribs of one who is already hurting, but I see it done time and time again.

There is not a one of us who can say we are completely innocent of not becoming involved at one time or another in the dramas that have occurred over time, but, as was mentioned, there is a tactful way to do so. I think some people misunderstand the word tact, believe it is \"tack\" and stick it right to someone.

Sorry for such a long reply, but it started flowing...even if it doesn\'t make sense to the fact at hand lol.

Thank you for the journal Al!
crzychik
crzychik

All I have to say Alphonsus is wow. This entry is definitely an eye opener, you are also very insightful. And you sound like a great writer!
Bistro
Bistro

Ditto. Nobody wins when the stuff if flying around. Excellent writer. Keep leading by example, Friend!
deleted_user
deleted_user

I personally am thankful that I have not come up against hatred yet so far on this site..But to be honest isn\'t this site suppose to be supportive of one another? Why do people think they have a right to bring others down just because they can? I enjoy you as a friend and you are very wise..:) Keep up with the advice *hugs*