October 17th

Reasons to be Grateful...

Able to make potato salad & cookies for tomorrow's picnic

......peaceful & relaxing to prep food & listen to music

Able to tidy kitchen

Able to laugh at Rio playing with a squishy stuffed mouse

....he's a hoot!

Got to have lunch with Sam & then we went to see American Made a week ago Monday (it was really funny by the way!)

Got to have lunch with Sara & hang out talking for a few hours last Friday

Got to donate $25 to the North Georgia Food Bank......this provides 50 meals for hungry neighbors

...the food bank man assured me that a small donation is a valued donation & he helped me donate over the phone cause I couldn't seem to figure out their site that day......good people, helpful people, kind people do exist!

Got to decorate my front door for Halloween & get the candy for the bright neon green spooky bowl.

....love to see the kids all dressed up!

Took a donation of canned & boxed food to the church for the drive by donations box in front of our church

...it looks like a big glassed in mail box on a tall pole filled with food, hygiene products, books, etc.  all items are free, take what you need no questions asked!

Got to take a load of items to Goodwill

...the boys were so friendly & helpful, very respectful too!  these boys reminded me that there is a lot of goodness in the youth of today, so often we only hear the bad.

Get to appreciate Annie and all she brought to my life......wake up and sometimes I start talking to her and then realize she's gone on ahead......miss you Anniebonanny fee fi fofanny Annie!

Get to appreciate all of you, for your love/thoughtfulness .....for understanding how hard it is to lose a pet

For trusting God with the little stuff too!

....my vacuum weighs 17-18 lbs., so hard to use. almost bought a lightweight vaccuum at Target, but then went NO, bowed my head and prayed.  on my way home i stopped at the Goodwill and found a Bissell, weighs 8-9 lbs, its pink hot pink.......mercy!  And yes it works, only set me back $20!  Thank you for slowing my roll Lord and helping me find a deal!  It works really well!

Currently tough stuff:

The in-between.......all the lost days after doing these things.  The pain that comes, the difficulty not sleeping, sleeping too much....getting up and out of bed.....holding onto furniture...struggling to keep my mind in a good place, to fight the alone as well as I can.

Feeling rough

...swollen glands, stiff, achy, sleeping alot, then can't sleep .....what is it like to not be in pain? i can't seem to remember.....that other person (the unsick one) seems like a relative now, like it was never me. 

Fighting self pity

...too wonky to go to the mountains probably.  not definitely, but probably.  i don't want to go alone, i don't like to drive around the mountains all by myself, not that i ever have, but i don't want to start.  what if i get lost?  what if my car breaks down, what if my tummy acts up and there's no nearby bathroom?

when i was healthy i drove cross country twice all by myself......from Atlanta to Santa Barbara.  Georgia to California.......felt like easy rider in a volkswagon golf with long blond hair......truckers kept honking at me and i thought my car was in trouble, didn't know they were honking because of my hair......my former husband got really tickled, he said you are SOOOOOO MARRIED Hon!  he told me they were trying to get me to meet them at truck stops........nuh uh......no way!  kooky!

remembering this cheers me up (not the truckers honking, the ability to go cross country!!!!)  feel sorta spunky thinking about driving from here to Dallas, to Phoenix, to Los Angeles, to Santa Barbara and back.  i loved it, felt energized, alive........bold, strong.

Sara gave me a large piece of sparkly art for Mother's Day this year, i'm sure i already shared what it says:

"She thought she could, so she did!"

The peanut butter cookies are all baked, now I'm baking sugar cookies, then the chocolate chip cookies........don't get too impressed, these are cheater cookies, open the pack, put the dough balls on the cookie sheet and voila COOKIE Scent fills the air!

The potato salad & cookies are for the Owls Picnic tomorrow.  Praying to get to go.  It was going to be at a nearby park, but I got a message today that it will be outside in downtown Auburn.....ok.  I recently found the park and worried that I shouldn't go cause the pavillion was so far from the bathroom.......yes, I am this kind of old now!  I can't sprint to the can if the need should arise......bathrooms are just like buying a house:  it's all about LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!

The problem between me and the mountains this Friday?  Packing, loading the car.....Bruce says he can come feed Rio.  The neighbors originally said they could come up and join me on Saturday for the day.......but I haven't heard from them about the trip since Kari accepted the invite.  They came over to help me do something the next day.... I brought up several things about the trip and they didn't say anything in return, so I didn't know what to make of it.......didn't know if that means Kari hadn't asked Ryan about it yet?  If Ryan didn't want to go, if Kari had changed her mind.....no clue!  Sara tells me I am very brave, that I should go.......but is this really about being brave?  I've been brave, I continue to be brave, I don't want to spend Friday alone.....Sunday alone, Monday alone and then drive home thinking about how alone I've been.  Is this self pity or facing reality?  If I do the stuff I like to do will I get lost, fall?  I like to walk the trails, bop around in the mountains....a really slow bop but still bop.  I can go to small towns and see the shops, but to be honest I've shopped all by myself until I no longer want to so much.......been there, done that, got too many t-shirts!

This journal may help me figure out what to do, what not to do.......if I should or not.  I did ask Sam if he could come up early....on Sunday and hang with me that day.......he said he wasn't sure cause of how crazy his Saturday was gonna be........that he'd probably need Sunday to get ready, to rest pre-trip.  I get that......and Sara has a wedding gig.....wedding gigs pay really well.  she makes more singing for one wedding than she does in two weeks with her other main job teaching music.  i thought it was equal to one weeks teaching, but no, a whopping two weeks.  i wish she would audition for The Voice.  I wish, I hope, I pray.......

later, thanks for being here DS to write, I wish that you (DS) would get it together and return to what you were, to a more glorious wonderful you, but maybe there is a reason beyond what I can understand......wish I knew what it was, wish I was able to convince sharecare to care about our plight here.  sorry i do go on............love you, love me, pray for each other and now to get those cookies outta the oven!

bye, bye, bye!