Oct sadness
I have read your responses...and thought about your thoughts...and why I am feeling more down then normal..I wonder if anyone can ever be happy again really happy..there will always be that missing piece in our lives...
I remembered this morning that it was about this time in 2009 that we went to visit Ken.and he was doing do good..so it assumed to only return home and about two weeks later rush down there as something had happened to Ken...That was the beginning of the end of Ken's life...that is when he lost his ability to speak...then the use of his arm then the use of his leg...and many hours of watching him as he tired so hard to get his mind to work right...to try to understand what was happening...Many hours I sat with him all day and all night not having the right to take him to the doctor..taking him to the hospital..that was out of my hands after all he was married and that takes everything out of a mom's control. I knew in my heart there was something really wrong with Ken..I tried to talk to his wife...took her to where the doctor was thinking she was going to have test run to see what was wrong to only do nothing and my hands were tied...I think time after time that if only she would have had him checked in Oct. just maybe they could have done more for him....I don't really know that answer..but I think that is the answer of my falling down into this deep hole of despair as that is what I was feeling day after day and night after night..as I could tell Ken wanting to figure out what was wrong...Yet I had to sit there and bascially do nothing for him but to let him have to eat what he wanted, keep the fluid in him....I had no control...I would have never just waited to see what was going to happen that is not me...When his dad had cancer, I took him anywhere, everywhere to see what we could do to save his life..and I feel that just maybe if I could have done that for Ken just maybe he would have survivied.. It is so hard knowing that just maybe if I had had some control and could have taken him to where they could have found out sooner...perhaps helped him faster...just perhaps I could have helped save him, but when it is taken out of your hands...you have no choice but to just sit by and watch....something that ate at me...from that day late in Sept...when I just wanted him to see the doctor..have test run...find out what was going on....I had no control....Then for the next 3 months watching the cancer take his body away right before my eyes...just maybe that is why I have slipped back down again in the hole..I wanted so much to take a stand and help Ken...but I couldn't...Laws say I can't...yet I knew something seriouly wrong and yet the control was out of my hands...somehow I feel I must forgive myself for that...as I know I had no control no matter how I tried,,but I truely wanted to see my son live...maybe it would have not made any difference...maybe he would have still died..but yet we would have been fighting..we would have been trying...not just sitting waiting to see what would happen...That I know I want to fight...I want to know that I did everything I could..yet with Ken because it was not my right to have the control I feel I let him down...For me no matter the cost..no matter the outcome...no matter what I know that I would continue to fight for him till there was no time left to fight...that I think is why I feel so guilty...and even though I know I did what I could...I would have continued to look, to search, to do whatever needed doing yet all I could really do is set by his side day and night...wishing I could do more...yet I couldn't....
I did what I could...I tried as much as I could yet...I knew that was not going to be enough to keep him alive....how to handle it when it is out of you hands...when you know that your rights have been taken away from you and your left feeling helpless...just wanting someway, somehow to fight till you could not fight no more...
I tried my best..I know I did...I did what I could...but if only I had been the one in control just maybe there could have been a better chance of saving Ken's life...
That answer I will never know...somehow I know that I did my best..and know I would have done more if I could have...somehow I need to let go of that guilt...I sure miss that son of mine...I love you Ken..mom
I remembered this morning that it was about this time in 2009 that we went to visit Ken.and he was doing do good..so it assumed to only return home and about two weeks later rush down there as something had happened to Ken...That was the beginning of the end of Ken's life...that is when he lost his ability to speak...then the use of his arm then the use of his leg...and many hours of watching him as he tired so hard to get his mind to work right...to try to understand what was happening...Many hours I sat with him all day and all night not having the right to take him to the doctor..taking him to the hospital..that was out of my hands after all he was married and that takes everything out of a mom's control. I knew in my heart there was something really wrong with Ken..I tried to talk to his wife...took her to where the doctor was thinking she was going to have test run to see what was wrong to only do nothing and my hands were tied...I think time after time that if only she would have had him checked in Oct. just maybe they could have done more for him....I don't really know that answer..but I think that is the answer of my falling down into this deep hole of despair as that is what I was feeling day after day and night after night..as I could tell Ken wanting to figure out what was wrong...Yet I had to sit there and bascially do nothing for him but to let him have to eat what he wanted, keep the fluid in him....I had no control...I would have never just waited to see what was going to happen that is not me...When his dad had cancer, I took him anywhere, everywhere to see what we could do to save his life..and I feel that just maybe if I could have done that for Ken just maybe he would have survivied.. It is so hard knowing that just maybe if I had had some control and could have taken him to where they could have found out sooner...perhaps helped him faster...just perhaps I could have helped save him, but when it is taken out of your hands...you have no choice but to just sit by and watch....something that ate at me...from that day late in Sept...when I just wanted him to see the doctor..have test run...find out what was going on....I had no control....Then for the next 3 months watching the cancer take his body away right before my eyes...just maybe that is why I have slipped back down again in the hole..I wanted so much to take a stand and help Ken...but I couldn't...Laws say I can't...yet I knew something seriouly wrong and yet the control was out of my hands...somehow I feel I must forgive myself for that...as I know I had no control no matter how I tried,,but I truely wanted to see my son live...maybe it would have not made any difference...maybe he would have still died..but yet we would have been fighting..we would have been trying...not just sitting waiting to see what would happen...That I know I want to fight...I want to know that I did everything I could..yet with Ken because it was not my right to have the control I feel I let him down...For me no matter the cost..no matter the outcome...no matter what I know that I would continue to fight for him till there was no time left to fight...that I think is why I feel so guilty...and even though I know I did what I could...I would have continued to look, to search, to do whatever needed doing yet all I could really do is set by his side day and night...wishing I could do more...yet I couldn't....
I did what I could...I tried as much as I could yet...I knew that was not going to be enough to keep him alive....how to handle it when it is out of you hands...when you know that your rights have been taken away from you and your left feeling helpless...just wanting someway, somehow to fight till you could not fight no more...
I tried my best..I know I did...I did what I could...but if only I had been the one in control just maybe there could have been a better chance of saving Ken's life...
That answer I will never know...somehow I know that I did my best..and know I would have done more if I could have...somehow I need to let go of that guilt...I sure miss that son of mine...I love you Ken..mom
Replies
Ken is in a happy place. Happier than we could ever be here on Earth. We will get there too some day. In the mean time I know that our sons that have passed want us to do all we can to find Joy in the remaining time on Earth. I\'m very sure of this.. I miss my son Jason too just as you miss Ken. God Bless you Sandi, and I pray you find moments of peace and even joy in your day. Terry
It\'s the not knowing that tears us apart...We can\'t let ourselves think \"what if\"....If we do, it will destroy us....You can\'t blame yourself if the law took precendence....Your hands were tied....I was the only one with Melissa at the hospital...Her husband was at work because we thought it was only her ulcerative colitis symptoms....The vomitting, the dizziness, the headaches (she had a history of bad headaches).....all leading up to a brain aneurysm so you can imagine the guilt I still carry too....She was suffering day by day with the ulcerative colitis-it was out of control so maybe that was God\'s way of taking her quickly, I don\'t know but I still blame myself and I always will....Hugs and love to you my friend, Connie C.
I am growing weary and this battle has taken it\'s toll on me. I feel like I am 85 not 51. We all have a long row to hoe. So many of you have remaining children and even grandchildren....We all must create our own end of this/these stories we share. All of our our children were very special and in some cases quite extraordinary. There will be no release from the loss but we can stop beating ourselves up. I\'m just floating along waiting to see what will smack me in the face next. Matt\'s Mom Mary
I understand where you are coming from and the guilt you speak of. I, too, lost my son to cancer and forever wonder about a different doctor, different hospital...and all those what ifs and if onlys.....if I had done only one thing differently would it have made a difference? Maybe it would....but as you, we did in the moment what we thought was right. You are a wonderful mother and did everything in your power for your son - i think no matter the circumstance, everyone feels some kind of guilt that they could have done more or better.......it\'s all part of being a mother. How could we let our child die? But sometimes it\'s just out of our hands....out of anybodies hands.......and that\'s hard. Wishing you a peaceful weekend ~ Joanna
sorry for your anguish and sadness. there was nothing more you could do, do not feel guilty My love to you for peace and tranquility, Marcia
It is obvions you did all you could do, so perhaps now your job is to let go and let God! You yourself and your other loved ones need you now, and you know Ken would want you to focus in that direction. Maybe just a little bit day by day, you can work towards this goal. Please know that all will not always be the same, you will move ahead............missing and loving him all the while. I pray for you and send love and hugs, Margery Ann
Take a deep breath. Do not beat yourself up, it was Gods will. I know easier said than done. We do not have an easy life these days, trying to deal with our childrens death. Together we can help each other take another step forward.
Hugs Penny
Sandi, you did your very best for Ken and he knows that...Love and understanding, Linda
Sandi ... thinking of you ... it is a tender time of year for my soul to, in this brain cancer connection we share with our loved ones. Sep/Oct \'09 ... signs of something wrong, while on a path of doing all we could, doc after doc ... and it was still missed. The seriousness was outputting through the heart versus the brain. Every heart test possible, with the best docs in the radius, led to one doc\'s comment in jest of \"well it must be all in your head!\" Indeed it was, and not revealed until 3 months later on 12/9/09 with a head scan. I share this with you to offer perspective on how even when every effort is in motion to figure it out, to get them help to feel better ... sometimes even that path falls devastatingly short. With the clarity of hindsight, it is such a delicate soul dance of wishing/hoping/believing the path to be different in the reality of how it all unfolded. Bottom line ... through it all, YOUR LOVE was/is unwavering for you son. Ken knew this, felt this ..... feels this. Peace to you Sandi. De