Oct 2010

How come I only write in my journal when I am sad ,guess it just gets it off my chest .
I must have been a horrible person in my last life because this one has been full of heart ache . I guess it could be worse ,my kids are mostly healthy and I have beautiful grandchildren. No alcholics or drug addicts ,See my glass is always half full .
But my heart hurts ,I lost my Mom and Dad and in laws by the time hubby and I were 30 ,didnt even get a chance to get to know my mother in law really ,she adored the babies , My Mom was lost to Alzhiemers early and my brother died at 44 from brain cancer .but my glass is still half full LOL .Forgot to mention my best friend died of a crazy bacterial infection.
Its hard to make friends when you are caregiver to parents and brother evenings and weekends ,and you are sad all the time ,nursing dying people and all the extra energy goes to your kids ,No one wants to be around someone whos sad especially in late 20 early 30s you are suppossed to be fun ,I spent more time in hospitals lol should have made friends with nurses .
Now all thats over and the kids are grown I get this stupid disease that no one understands and no one wants to be around me cause im still no fun lol
I thought I was a good Mom In fact I think I really was but my kids hurt me all the time ,perhaps Im just too sensitive .My Mom said dont get close to your sons kids .I was appalled I thought how mean is that they are all your grandchildren but I have learned your DIL sometimes likes to use them as weapons .Ive only once complained about my DIL my son was out of town she has a party I find the 18 month old twins upstairs with Dads razor and a can of shaving foam ,the other kids bouncing on the bed .I dared to say her kids werent being supervised ,I get told to mind my own business and never criticize again . DIL's Gawd.
Oh and I was the one who came everyday to help with the babies my son would go out of town and ask me to take care of daughter in law and babies , 3 kids under 2 (twins)
I adore those boys but they have moved far away ,I miss them like heck.
I think Im suffering empty nest ,menopause , everything else .Oh and to top it off Ive stayed with a cold hearted man for 30 years . I watch my son caress his wifes belly and talk to the baby and it makes me jealous I never had that . Both my sons treat their wives amazingly Maybe I was a good Mom ??
I feel a tad better but my heart still aches ,



My heart aches a little just reading it. If your sons are that tender, you did a great job.

Awww girl..I am sending positivity and prayers your way...I know how hard it is to have an awful disease and try to deal with daily life. I too lost my mom at 13 from cancer, and was a caregiver to my gram at 18 with cancer, etc..etc..and lost many of people over my 37 years of life.
It doesn\'t help when you have all those past memories (well the bad ones). My advice is to try as hard as you can to keep the faith (try reading inspirational books, religion based or not).. Feel free to message me if you want to cry, dish or whatever, as I go through it daily myself.
Try to think positive today (I can give advice but not take it).
And look at it this way...you will have one heck of a beautiful house in heaven.