obsessing and nervous
I don't think my therapist likes me. It's just a hunch.
The way she answers questions. I just don't know if
it's the best thing for me to go on with the program.
I am kind of obsessing and nervous today. So often I find myself
drawing conclusions that my boss at the office, or now my therapist,
don't want me around and the automatic thought tells me that
and yet then if I look for the evidence I do know that my boss at the office
has encouraged me with praise today, and that also my therapist has given me
home work to do and so that may imply too that she is anticipating a long relationship.
I am trying to organize my life and yet my thoughts are obsessing and my hands are shaking
while I watch TV. I have a hard time knowing when to stop certain activities. Like
I want to organize my life and yet then when I sit in front of the tely - it just isn't satisfying
and yet I still sit there and like force myself to watch it. I don't seem to be able
to draw the line at times with allowing myself to relax. I did two good things today.
I went to work at the market, and then went to the office after that. Am I taking
care of what I need to, and am supposed to? Yes. Am I doing what I'd like to do?
No not really -but I did go for a soda at the Panda Express. I think diet sodas are
really bad for you. My mind's an awful mess right now..
What I am looking at right now is how I used to have a life that was super deluxe at one time.
A beautiful condo, with art and decor the way I liked it. I think I'd like that again - and
yet I don't know how to find that. I think too I think it's part of my illness that I tend to create
a little world for myself - make it small and controlled -self sustaining- rather than fill it with people in person -
perhaps because of the shame I feel for this condition. Maybe I should just practice breathing
and meditation and try to normalize it all. Two tears in a bucket? I think if it can't be as I like it
maybe it's all not lost. Take joy in others. peace.
Replies
When ever I had doubts about my therapist it was best to discuss it with him. It always turned out that I was being paranoid and once I got things out in the open I felt so much better. Of course, you shouldn't share this with your boss, but talk to your therapist about that too. If he's praising you, that's an indication that you are reading things into the relationship that aren't there. I hope you can work this out and start to feel more confident.
Thanks Becky!
For what it's worth:
It helps me to personify my meanest psych symptoms. It helps me focus better while I am grappling for balance on yet another slide down the proverbial rabbit hole. E.G. Inside my strictly personal psychosis, your description here would be called, "Social Anxiety." Social Anxiety is a mean-assed, lying father fucker. Instead of trying to sort the yaddahs from the blahs of those lies while trying to leverage on that psycho slide, I ply therapy tools instead of taking those lies to heart.
And it's okay if you didn't understand a word of that. I'm not sure I do either. There is nothing easy about describing that realm which lives beyond words. How do you spell, "Psychosis?" Sigh. . . Can I be Missus Normal now?
thanks arfie! it made sense. :)!
I think I am going to change my Pdoc...also maybe get a new therapist. Hang in there Mark.
I have had thoughts that my last therapist did not like me. Not sure what it was about. He seemed to be not interested in what I had to say... said he misplaced my files etc..
Big hug for you sweetie.... I am so sorry you're struggling..... I think accepting that some things are out of our control can be a gift to ourselves....
I know that we all want to organize and manage our lives at times and yet we aren't always able to..... Control doesn't always belong to us ya know
I'm glad that you're able to get out your thoughts on here to help sort things out
Great big hug and a blessing....xo
thanks Jan!!!x