Oblivion

Sometimes the worst place to be is in your own head. You always seem to be your biggest critique. Your mind can be a dangerous place. A lonely place where no one wants to be. You tell yourself you're too loud, or too quiet. Too skinny or too fat. Too tall or too short. Your shoulders are too wide and your hips too narrow. Your eyes are too small or too far apart. You're always TOO something and not enough of something else. I haven't figured out how to get past that. It's been 8 years since I found Ana and I have nothing to show for it because I always pushed her away. I've suffered through struggle after struggle. Anorexia, bulimia,  self harm, rape, miscarriage, verbal-sexual-physical assault, self destruction, suidide attempts, addiction. It fades in and out through time. Sometimes I've gone months without a cut or hit or skipping a meal on purpose. Though it ALWAYS comes back. The urges never seem to stay gone for good. I always try to stay strong and push through it, but I feel like no one really understands. They can sympathize but it's not the same. "Just eat" "don't hurt yourself" "don't talk down on yourself" "you're beautiful" "you're not fat". Yeah. Those words may mean something to those saying them but it's just sounds escaping your mouth. Letters thrown together. In one ear, out the other. You can't fix a self destructive person. Trying to can damage you in the process. The only person who can fix you, is you; but you can't fix you, if you don't want to.