NUMB AND INVISABLE

WELL,EACH DAY SEEMS TO BE SLIDEING INTO THE NEXT....AT LEAST WHEN I WAS WORKING EACH DAY WAS KNOWN AS DIFFERENT.I FIND MYSELF FEELING NUMB RIGHT NOW.NOT OVERLY SAD ,DEPPRESSED OR LONELY FOR THE MOMENT ,JUST HERE.I WANT SO BADLY TO BE A DIFFERENT PERSON INSIDE AND OUT .I FEEL INVISABLE....WHEN I TENDED BAR I WAS APART OF SO MANY PEOPLES LIVES EVERYDAY.I WORKED FOR A PRIVATE CLUB SO I KNEW ALL ABOUT THE REGULARS AND THIER FAMILIES.WHEN SOMEONE WAS SAD OR ILL OR JUST NEEDED A HAND I WAS THERE.PLUS I MAINTAINED A HOUSEHOLD WITH FOUR KIDS AND A SHIT LOAD OF PETS.I WAS TO BUSY TO DWELL ON EVERYTHING.I NEED TO HAVE PEOPLE BACK AND FEEL LIKE I AM WORTH SOMETHING. I STILL STAY UP ALL NIGHT AND SLEEP ALL DAY UNTIL THE KIDS COME HOME FROM SCHOOL. I HAVE TRIED TO SET GOALS OF CHORES AND DO THINGS WITH THE KIDS,BUT WHEN I DO GET MOVING,THERE IS SUPPER TO COOK,CLEAN UP ,MAYBE A LOAD OF WASH AND EVERYTHING JUST HAPPENS ALL OVER AGAIN. ONE DAY I TELL MYSELF ,I WAS ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW BUSY I USED TO BE I DIDNT HAVE TIME TO MYSELF,TO FIX AND CLEAN THE HOUSE,EAT PROPERLY BECAUSE OF MY LATE NIGHT SCHEDULE OR DO MEANINGFUL THINGS WITH MY KIDS.NOW THAT TIM E IS ALL I HAVE I SHOULD BE CONCENTRATING ON ALL OF THOSE THINGS.BUT WHEN A NEW DAY ARRIVES I AM USUALLY TO TIRED,DEPPRESSED OR IN PAIN AND ANOTHER SLIPPS AWAY.I REALLY HATE BUDGETING MY MONEY MONTHLY,WELL ACUALLY MY HUSBANDS SOCIAL SECURITY.I WAS USED TO MONEY ON A DAILY BASIS FROM TIPS HALF THE TIME CARRYING MY PAY CHECK AROUND FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS BEFORE CASHING IT BECAUSE I DIDNT NEED IT YET.NOW I GET WORRIED WHEN THE DAMN TOILET PAPER GETS LOW,WILL I BE ABLE TO SRCAPE UP ENOUGH CHANGE TO BUY IT OR HAVE TO GO TO A PUBLIC RESTROON TO STEAL A ROLL.I AM AWAITING A HEARING FOR SOCIAL SECURITY MYSELF,THEY SAY IT WILL PROBABLY BE A YEAR AND A HALF WAIT AND WHO KNOWS THEY MAY DENEY ME AGAIN.THE THING IS DO I REALLY WANT THE NEXT TO NOTHING  CHECK ANYWAYS........I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK......I WANT SELF WORTH,TO BE RESPECTED,LIKED,FREEDOM,MY VECHICLE AND MONEY,MONEY,MONEY.........SCHOOL ISNT EVEN OUT AND IAM WORRIED ABOUT MY KIDS HAVING SUMMER CLOTHES,NEXT SEASONS SCHOOL CLOTHES AND YES CHRISTMAS ALL OVER AGAIN.......WELL, I STARTED OUT OK NOW I AM CRYING LIKE USUAL......I AM THE ONLY ONE TO GET MY FAMILY OUT OF THIS MESS AND I CANT EVEN GET MYSELF DRESSED LATELY...........WELL, ITS TIME TO LOAD UP ON PAIN PILLS AND SLEEPING PILLS ,ANOTHER DAY OF BEING AN INVISABLE FAILURE IN HELL AWAITS AND ITS CALLED A WEDNESDAY....