now what to do

so here is how i m feelin was sick for years mentally physically emotionaly spent two years getting as healthy as i can so i could take a med break last feb i got better so spent the next six months planning an escape route from meds the last sept came and it was time to try the plan i was excited scared apprehensive but kept telling myself how wonderful it would feel to be finally free from this foggy life of meds all the while thinking my brain will react different once i m toxin free and i can live a normal life again so i got this vision of a new life for myself and ran with it spent three long torturing months weaning off my merrygoround of meds almost gave up a million times but was so determined i just kept pushing myself one day at a time the begining of the year was fantastic and even though i felt physically and mentally drained formt eh long process i was estatic that i made it this far the next journey saw me through hell and back i lost many friendships through all th past months but i knew i could regenerate those relationships when i was emotionally stronger and am working on that as of today i have many good friends including my forever bp friend from ds who has always been my lifeline and still is i have an unconditional loving understanding church family and grandbabies who love me to death so it has been a very long lonely frustrating draining journey to get this far but i made it and have regained some of my health back besides some longterm memory skills i have gotten much side effects under control and that is an accomplishment i wanted to acheive so now here i am as miserable as i was a year ago on meds i wanted so much to get to where i am i risked my own health and jepordized my own life many times to get here and now that i am here i am troubled that i am still where everyone else is its like i was trying to run away from myself you know all these months at the begining of all this i agreed to go through the oprocess and consequences of going off meds and was totally fine with that until now that i have accomplished it and see that others are in ths same spot as me and didnt have to work to get there like i just did the past year now my joy is gone and i feel betrayed like no one in my health team told me this would happen how could they not tell me something so fatally important to my mental health do my doctors and nurse even realize anything about this disease we live with or do they just read from a book geez! they really just dont get it do they i am disgusted with my life and with living with this crippling disease i am at the very tip of sanity yes i could go back on meds we have a game plan for just that time and then what be the same place i was before all this started geez whats the meaning of all this anyway i havent been playing a game this last year jsut for i can win or lose i wanted my life back and i have come to the bleak relization that this is my life now and forever off meds or on meds this is it today i feel defeated but i know now that i cant run away from myself just like you cant run away forom God cause he is in you he is everywhere just like bp no matter how many side effects i get under control i will always have bp no matter how health i get physically i will always be challenged with depression pain this is a very sad awakning for me but i know i have come out stronger for it and am thankful for that at least same old same ol you think you know everythign and then boom your whole jworld caves in from under you just like that geez man can i even make it to old age living with bp hope so