Now
Another awkward conversation with mum, she wants me to be here and do most of the things,but she still doesn't get the home question. I said I'd try and do things the way she wanted - there is a right way and that is her way - it wasn't quite as she had hoped, and she said it would be like me coming into your home and trying to do things my way - well she did, but that isn't the point, it is I was trying to think of this as my home, I'm homeless apart from this, and I just mentioned I might move the commode out of the room I'm using into the spare room, 'well it's not in your way' I just want a bit of space, I'm still living out of suitcases and I wanted to put some clothes into the wardrobe. I am more of a prisoner here than I was in jail, with no end date! Not helped by some people who were very supportive when I was inside seem to think you are fine on the outside, and have dropped off contact. One guy who I like very much asked me to contact him through a friend, I did , a couple of days later a short email saying he was sorry not to be in touch sooner he'd been busy but would contact soon - a week has gone past, I get it I'm not priority but this feels like rubbing my face in the dirt
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Writing it out helps to sort out the feelings, thoughts, words, and gives you the space to let your mind and brain recover a sense of balance.
Your mum is not going to be pleasant about any change. You'll need to do it quietly and moving the commode into a different area will help you. You need to access the wardrobe, and the commode is in the way.
You will remain a prisoner in your mind until you free it of that thought.
People who were supportive of you in jail and are keeping their distance now is far more common. And, it's not about you, it's about them, and their unintended consequences of working with the physical changes. The fact that you are to contact this person through a friend means to keep it on the quiet, for reasons you do not need to be aware of.
That's the thing about your life experience. Once you've experienced it, you have two choices, either embrace the new or continue to try to go back.
Homeless. Write about that in all the ways you need to, to express those feelings.
Yes, homeless is an intriguing concept, it's more than just a bed at night but I have moved from being fairly central to a community to bring a pariah with the majority of the people who know I live here wanting me gone. I can't engage at all with this community, but can't move away as yet, but I dare to dream, my online bookmarks are of houses and communities where one day I could settle - ok, it's not likely to be those specific properties but it's important to dream.
I think in fairness he asked me to contact him so it was you to me, and my friend hadn't got permission to give my email address out but that I did try and reach out doesn't help the rejection, he is a very chaotic person and I'm sure it's disorganization more than purposeful rejection, but it is as you say elsewhere the little things