nothingness

guess i just don't know where or even who i am anymore, so many of the feeling's that are inside me just want to be left alone to die and yet everytime i still manage to raise them from the dead. how do i understand this, how do i make it right.i can only hold it together for so long. i just want to scream and shout, i know i know, i should be grateful and yes i know this sounds like depression but truly i am not depressed, i just sometimes want to feel pain and lot's of it.even when i'm laughing and having a good time i carn't help but want to feel the searing pain of the blade cutting my skin, how why ?????  i've been clean for over twelve years and yet i still want to hurt. is this wrong.....maybe if i just do a small cut then it will be ok, hell i've punched wall's and bruised myself, there's only a short step to go.i've alway's been proud of the fact that i wasn't cutting anymore but yet i'm only kidding myself if i think that i will never do this again. one way or another i'm still a harmer. maybe this emptyiness that i cannot contend with anymore will consume my mind forever, at least it would be no great waste. the intelligence that i once knew has all but left me and i fear that through all my choas i will be lost forever.even if we are found we are all still lost.