nothing changes

i see its been about a year since i last logged in. just been looking back through my journels and realised nothing has changed much.

but looking back at my journels its made me realise why am i letting my partner emotionally destroy me and hurt me so much? 

the other day during a heated discussion she more or less admitted her family come before me so it seems after our discussion in january where i explained i needed her to prove she could put me first by no more over nights stays etc and she agreed ,i made it clear if she didnt put me first from then on then our relationship was finished as i couldnt take the hurt of being put second .

things was going fine until this month ,up to now nothing had happened where she could prove to me that she would put me first. but yet again she is putting me second to her family. her excuse was our agreement didnt include her staying overnight when some of her family go on holiday a hour away from where we live. i told her yes it did include that. she got angry . but then i got a letter to give evidence during the same weekm as this holiday,now take in account her family arrive there on the friday and go the next friday but my court date is the tuesday and as the police have already warned me my neighbour who im giving evidence against could kick off i told my partner after the court case i needed her at home with me,shes got 4 days to spend with her family ,ok its day trips. but as soon as i said this she got angry and said if she couldnt go after the court date she was staying overnight before the court date. 

so much for proving she can put me first,getting angry because i told her she had to stay at home with me after the court date because i'm terrified of our neighbour . not "of course i will stay home with you" . 

so now i know all this agreement didnt mean anything to her. 

so basically her family mean more to her tham me her partner who she says she loves. 

then earlier i find she has deleted texts between her and her sister. yesterday her sister rang,straight after shes on her phone texting. i looked today and saw she had deleted texts between her and her sister. she never normally deletes texts so i guess they was slagging me off why else delete these texts.

she has been saying her mental health is bad and for months felt no emotions and numb. but she certainly showed emotions when i told her she had to stay at home with me. if she had no emotions because of this depression then she would not be bothered whether she went to join her family on their holiday or not.

my mental health is sprilling downwards. but she doesnt even notice. she just takes and doesnt give.

my head is telling me to tell her its over my heart still loves her.