notes to start the day
I really feel out of sorts - or well I did until I wrote this journal...
I went to sleep feeling great though -
I had a sense of my own mission in life that I could embrace
with a sense of authenticity -
and that conclusion was the helping people emotionally -
and because I felt
knowing myself and knowing that - it was putting me in touch
with the group - which gave a sense of commonality - humanity -
I no longer felt like an alien..
I saw how the sisters' mission here is to help people spiritually.
and so I don't feel too far removed from that - and that makes me happy...
but I have to say to explain it to you that I think with that
human commonality I was reaching for last night as I was going to bed
- I now think I finally found 'my likes and predilections'
in life (which helped me feel part of humanity, one among many - rather than
thinking just in terms of what I should like or seeking affirmation
and certitude that didn't seem to be there in order to make a start.)
It's a weird mix - I am having a hard time expressing it
I think that too is why I get so frozen in the moment
here sometimes - because I don't know what will be graceful
for me to do - what will be authentic - what will be the precedent (? I can't describe it
I just feel like a total blank slate frozen in the peace of the moment)
of what I am doing
....pleasing some people while growing up
meant you stayed at the ready in complete deference
to their critique really stunted me.
That's what I've been fighting to
overcome - to grow back up so to speak - and to develop -
This morning now I am feeling like an old salty sailor -
kind of - I need to wake up - I am optimistic about
the work day ahead.
I will go down to service and then to work -
and this frozen in the moment thing I am not putting it on someone else -no way -
it's just the way I developed - and lost myself in it.
Replies
maybe going to extremes again here- I feel out of sorts and unlike my usual self - so I tried to explain
myself to get back to feeling ok- anyways - here goes - one step in front of the other...
work later today.
the human condition do swing like a pendulum do
psychosis on neurons, two by two.
first i'm all this, then i'm all that
with a moment or two between the extremes.
those mood swings are quite authentic. welcome to the human race.
Thanks Arfie!! Xx