Notes to self

I went down to church today, at around 450am. I was happy as a clam. As I got the church ready for service my mind eventually became invaded by thoughts.

i can get quite squirrely and joyful inside and for some reason I had to pick this apart unfortunately. Reciting the prayers began to feel like an act of violence against myself. I became aware of my feelings in a new way...this time it was all subjective inside and I found myself all whimpering want to be validated and to measure up. But knowing myself too. Again the service began to feel like self violence and so I finally adjusted. I took it with an easier outlook. I was knowing that I can acknowledge these feelings of pain (and the whimpering too) but I also have to be responsible for them too. I adjusted for the pain (relaxing a bit) and the acknowledgment of wanting to measure up. It was like suddenly I did have to live 'in grace' anymore... just kind of middle of the road was how I felt. I wanted my feelings to be validated but I also knew no one would and that helped me see again an independence with conscience for how I was going through the morning around the others. We each had needs and we had to take care of our own. There is also something with me that aspires to achieving. I know this is something I am learning what it means, to achieve it. Sometimes writing these journals is a form of manifesting that achieving but I'd like to know focus on some other concretions and I will.

Things are good. Have a good day! I'm driving a nun to her appointment now.:)