Notes from Oklahoma
The 'instant' transfer to Oklahoma really is a lot to deal with for me. It might cause me to sever ties with the community. It all feels like I have to reinvent my life once again (it’s putting that kind of pressure on myself) and ultimately I now have the humility and knowledge to prioritize my health. I will keep an open mind but I know if I am not given the ok to go back to and to stay in Maryland, then I will go wherever is access to healthcare that is affordable for me. I really don’t like the way they conduct business from the bs they’ve shown me this far. I know I am worthwhile and will stand up for myself.
All this has inspired the wheels of introspection. I know we all have to go through reinventions, like my sister and brother each moving to Europe and Dad and stepmom at their age with their new house. And my therapist as well with her new path. It’s a commonality and a morale booster to think on.
The folks in monastic living have me observing that each of the folks here like these kinds of relationships found at the monastery, whether it’s being servile, or detailed oriented or honorific. Some of it I like too for the carefulness involved. Some have a sense of humor and can look beyond it which I am grateful for. I know I have liked the snug nature of things here . Yet I need to branch out again. It’s getting too weird.
I realize I have ever been seeking this kind of snugness in my life, the way I saved money when younger and along the way, the way I chose small properties to buy and renovate completely from soup to nuts, the simplicity of the work I chose. Maintainable anxiety levels aside from the fact that stress activates my condition.
I didn’t understand why I liked it here in the monastery aside from the community spirit and coziness and that I just knew there was something I like about it here.
But I realize too that I think I need to branch out a bit.
The religious life is also very potent to me in its exposure of life wisdom and influencer
on me and the community. It’s tauht me to evaluate and maturely think about relationships in a different way. I’ve grown in my relationship to religion and my life as well.
It teaches to keep our passions in check and it definitely is a matter of keeping my passions in check for me in my life.
I see how it's a common theme in religions. Also as I've said it has me consciously living in regard to all aspects of my humanity and all other people in my life.
I see how it's a common theme in religions. Also as I've said it has me consciously living in regard to all aspects of my humanity and all other people in my life.
I realize there is a sacrifice to living here with them and there are certainly things I do not like about it ...As well as things I like about it.
I think I’ve got to be self serving to a certain extent and this helps me decide how I am going to live my life. I like the giving of confessions and therapy aspect of helping people but I also can’t deny that I want and have every right to serve myself.
Will my life be about a mission statement for doing good work, or will I be just self serving? I'll be sure to think about my future and current community too.
The life here has shown me the sacrifice I make for having sensitive an honorific relationships.
I’ve gotten to see people’s passions for them
at times and for myself and so it’s important to put them and all that in a kind of box of understanding about them and human nature. Truly I have a different outlook of diversity now. I have a sense of my own inclination too. I just need to keep it all in check and make some good decisions for myself.
I know wherever I choose to live, there won’t be someone helping me to do that. It’s time to choose what’s right for me. My time of life, my standard of living and my preferences and my priorities for a safety net for my health.
Replies
I feel so selfish,and maybe I am living in extremes. Perhaps I can have a mission statement for whichever community I come to serve as well as determine my life and health.
You are seeing the full surround of life in your experiences with the moving around and sharing space in different areas.
Here's to you!
Keep on being you!
What do I want from my therapist? Someone to tell me I’m healthy? that I’ve made a thoughtful good examination of the issues?
That my plan is sound and good?
Thanks Mid!!
Questioning is good, to an extent.
I do believe you can serve in many ways, endless ways in fact, with the things that this experience has taught you.
Conforming to structures and organizational hierarchy and such is needed for civilization and measures of civility between human. I do believe the biggest part of life’s journey is finding where your roots are planted with like-minded people.
And that can possibly change many times in life!
The intensity that you gather when you process and question may be something to hone in on - channeling into the right things. You are ever searching and I think the more you embrace your acts of kindness anywhere you are - then the rest will follow.
Sending hugs and noogies!
Thanks Nikki!
Big hug sweetie
You aren't selfish Marky...You just seem uncertain
You could still decide to be a priest and not live in a monistary if you decided that it isn't for you
Communal living I think would be a huge adjustment
You're taking your time to work through what you believe is best for you and I think that's smart
If being moved around is too hard on your mental staus could you discuss it with a leader of the church?
I have no doubt your pdoc would support you
Big squishy hug...xo
Thanks Jan!