Notes from last night ad today
I came to my room and felt like a baby, crying until I just calmed down and got on with entertaining myself here alone. My life is weird.
I’ll take a shower and get to bed.
I guess I was tired after helping clean the dishes and the dining room. But also just the complex feelings and mood swings I typically have just overwhelmed me today. I’m living the life of an eccentric. My therapist sees me more as a character from a Jane Austin book who is called to serve though he feels ambivalent at times. It’s his role.
—-
I feel more resolved now. I’m tucked in and grateful for the day:-)
I wrote this to Geronta(the elder) today: Oh geronta, I am such a ‘mess up’ I can’t do the simplest of things today. Full body anxiety and scattered. I’ll just take it as a ‘bad day.’ I can’t believe this is really me. Today’s experience has me questioning (what me question?) I just recognized once again that it is a privilege and honor to serve and yet I am so unstable and not a serious person. My questions brought me to the path of how a good Human Resources department would handle just ‘such a bad day’. Father Athanasios was totally cool about it. He has bigger fish to fry. During the service I came to a stronger more clear place eventually and I did my role properly. I don’t know if there’s a role that is more appropriate for me but thanks for letting me talk to you. Doing better now. Able to assert my own pride of place . Things are much better. My condition renders me child like in that I don’t ‘do adult’ so well. I feel like in a way it’s the blessing I have received! I suppose in reality it’s dialectical we are all adult and children still.
—-
I can’t wait to get back. I want to paint and it’s time I go back to that rather than focus only on this kind of addiction to my own mental health journey and recovery. Though I will help myself and help people on their path as a peer support specialist (and I'll add that helping people with their issues selfishly really helps me too.)
Sending peace.
Replies
Take a moment and reset to nature's time and relax everything! You're doing wonderful!
:-) thx
personally, i believe the best help is selfishly given. when i talk things over with one of my peer supporters, i can trust that they are gaining as much as i am. they are reminded of their own coping tools and often telling me what they tell themselves. asking for help from a help-giver all too often leaves me feeling like a humiliated charity case. not humble, but humiliated. yes, great guru. you great. me just shit on your shoe. this is me, slithering off to the bushes. triple so for the unsolicited advice givers.
Thanks Arfie, sending peace
Big squishy hug sweetie
It's great that you were able to let it out and you're feeling better now
Life can be really confusing at times and our paths aren't always easy to figure out
I absolutely agree that we get an awful lot out of giving
I remember the scene in Scrooge where he's absolutely giddy from giving to others
I hope that you have a nice, peaceful rest tonight sweetie...xo
Sometimes expressions and a good cry are necessary because it’s a sign of growth and progress. We are never fully masters at life…. It’s continuous, and ongoing. Sending hugs.
Thanks Jan and Nikki xxxx