notes
The lesson here today, as me and my family are evaluating whether this monastery is good for me, may be that there is no perfect family (monastic family) or place to be. This monastery is like a family to me, and it wouldn’t ever be perfect. It’s the same as with my natural family, I am quite quirky and difficult. My family and I are in a challenging circumstance because of my illness and it’s difficult for them to cope with me too. So I wonder if right now I need to just assess and accept and keep on keeping on here in place. The people here mean something to me and yes, politics will exist wherever I go. They know me and embrace me. Even if I had created a family with a significant other, it would be no Nirvana there either.
I’ll be the same person no matter where I go and place has the connection to my great Aunts and extended family who helped establish the monastics here in America.
I’m owning my bad feelings and good. Not just rejecting bad feelings. It’s helping me stay present and so I’m enjoying the ride. Taking it all in.
Replies
a recurring question in my own phase of questioner life is my judgements of good/bad/perfect/flawed/etc/etc
there are days i believe my family is killing me by over-work and youthful chaos. literally. at 71, keeping up with a 1st grader, 4th grader and 7th grader is fraught with necessities doctors don't recommend for their geriatric patients.
good? bad? perfect? flawed? just another learning adventure?
who am i to judge?
I keep on trying to own my life and experience. I mean as I said in a previous reply I am trying to live in the present to experience it all, good and bad.
(So as to have the ability to assess it in a holistic way with good solid judgment.)
Janet said that she’s noticed that I keep trying to make it work here. She said I have gone through good times and bad.
She said she thinks I was much happier when I had my life in California and working at the market. I guess it begs the question 'what do I think?'
I know I wish I could have kept that life, but the support for it ran out.
Now I made another choice. It has been good and challenging too. It’s just me now and Blue, I only have to please myself but I sense I want some support
behind my choice..
I want my life to mean something . I harken back to the monk I saw at Vatopedi that I described to you in a note. He really spoke to me.
Just his example.
I think that's exactly it, I want my life to mean something - I want my life to mean something to someone.
That's what I am experiencing here and while living this life. If I didn't have Blue I would go to Vatopedi. One day I may go there in the future.
The complexity that the elder and the eldress engage, I can dismiss until a new place is found. I am not sure though if it's a good
idea for me to go somewhere else now. It's been a long road of acclimation here and bonds are formed.
But I do know now that I want my life to mean something - and I can feel rather like furniture at times
if I drill down on just that - but meaning something to someone helps me know and keeps me focused - I mean something to the people here.
Your life does mean something sweetie and you're doing important work
There is never a rush to make a decision with regards to where you live and I think taking your time to decide is wise
I do think you were happier before when it comes to living arrangements but you've said it couldn't work ongoing
Mainly because I don't think I've ever heard you say you were unhappy before
You are trying very hard to make this work sweetie and I hope one day it will just feel like home
Home sweet home
With regards to moving to another monesary if it's what you really wanted could you not take Blue?
Animals can be taken pretty much anywhere with the legal health checks followed
I hope that today is a really good day!!
And your monestary family feels like home
Big hug...xo
thanks Janet! xx
It does feel like home - I just have to remember to do stuff for me
other wise I just get trapped in my body and depressed.
My body can protect me - but it also can be insatiable -
and so I have to do stuff to accomplish stuff for me too.
I wrote this to my sister today:
Frankly a little frightened here A. My mind has so submitted to the group
that I think I’m kind of retarded. I don’t know what I want and I seek approval for it. I think it’s good that I’m confronting this. Hopefully it means I’m waking up. I just joined the DC entertainment newsletter email. I’d like to stretch my experience while here. The bookstore position was filled so I am looking for something else. Maybe there’s something at one of the museums at the Washington Mall although I wonder if funding has been cut by Orangina.
I’ve chosen this place where I am and it’s meaningful and beautiful. (I mean something to them here and they mean something to me). I can’t think about if there’s some ultimate truth to what I could be doing or an apotheosis of the life I should be living. I have a disorder and that has derailed and disrupted all that. I am healthy enough and managing now and I’m grateful. Grateful for what I have.
She wrote back:
Mark I understand both your gratitude and frustration. I think the monastery has been really wonderful for your development, sense of purpose and social adjustment but as we know it hasn’t been without its challenges and complications. You have recognized the good and the bad and together we will figure out how to move forward.
I’m so lucky!