notes
had a good level morning and then did errands for myself
and the monastery - then as I drove home - my mind sped up
and twisted me - so that when I got back into my room
I just wanted to sit still and find peace - - making plans
with others seemed impossible - and I went to a lonely weak
desolate mindspace...- but then I thought - to make plans
and carry through with them - should not be predicated on
whether you feel entirely sanguine or the same as you once had
about the outing or the meeting.. I thought to myself - better to ask
myself 'what do I do in moments like these when I feel so weak and
desolated?" - it's like i was starting to tread water mentally and psychically -
just to find some kind of unison in the peace of the room
- but then it came to me that - a good reminder that I have a habitual " agency " in terms
of how I handle these mental quirks in my daily life.
I was just in Old Frederick and I thought about going for a walk there,
if I lived there - (that's where my mind was transported to as I laid in
bed here at the monastery.)
I may go to this really tenuous place with my mood swings
and my mental twisting - but I need to be a self responsible patient
and remember that I have a choice - a choice of consciousness
about my own agency and routines for providing a remedy for these things.
I don't feel a 100% but I do feel like I could tackle my goals now.
Replies
i'm not quite sure how or why, but when those moments of despair whelm me, i find strength in the martin luther quote, "if i knew tomorrow that the world would end, still i would plant my apple tree."
dunno if that would be strength or inspiration i find in that quote, but somehow it helps me break my isolation and engage in life, whatever my feelings of the hour. the only guarantee there is with feelings is that they will change over the course of life.
Thanks so much dear Arfie. Great inspiration!