note to self

I know I write a lot about my ideas and observations.

I have so tried to be self responsible to get along in life...

I have so submitted to truth in my life and not to any fantasy I might have.

I have tried to do that so that I would be a good caretaker of my day, my life and my relationships.

Lately I have been noticing how 'out of control' in terms of impulses I have felt. Whether it's eating food

or sweets or drinking (ocassionally.)

My parents have also been urging me to be more social in the world... and I have been trying to push myself

to do that... why am I so nervous or reticent?

Yesterday I tried to imagine within me an image, an aesthetic, to follow - something to hold onto in order

to make strides in my life towards the goal of not eating so much, and to not be so afraid of going out there in the world.

Holding on to 'that' kind of gave me a firmament to butt up against - and I could make my way comfortably. Activated.

But I do know, starting this morning, it's real important to be realistic and real about the relationships at hand.

So that imagery- might be my way of handling things - but I have to be honest with myself and not blind.

We're all trying to make our way. I just have to keep clear so I can be grounded.