Note to Self. . .
Note to self. . . do not volunteer to host any more family gatherings for at least 3 months!!!!
I had entirely too much face time with my dear MIL this weekend. A friend of hers (and someone also close to DH) is currently in a nursing/rehab facility because he is dying of cancer. I have met him only 1-2 times, as he has been ill most of the time DH and I have been together. MIL has been trying to visit often and DH wanted to go to show his support and possibly say good-bye etc. I went along despite the fact that I was a little apprehensive since I don't know him well. MIL drove the 45 mins to facility and when we get there completely clams up; I mean the only questions she could seem to ask the poor man were about tests and pain etc. It was really brutal. I felt horrible because I can only imagine being him and not wanting to dwell on the inevitable, and just wanting to feel "normal." I ended up carrying the conversation for 90 minutes until he needed to rest. I felt good about doing it because he seemed like he really needed the distraction; however I was slightly annoyed at MIL for not uttering one word while there! On the way home she said she was glad that we came because she usually has nothing to say to him! Wow. This was Saturday and after visiting she insists on going out to eat with us because she is famished, and then lets us pick up the tab because she has no cash.
Then on Sunday I was supposed to host Easter dinner. MIL again is in attendance along with DH's 93 yr old grandma. (Now this is the part that really put me over the edge and probably ruined the rest of the day for me.) Despite the fact that DH and I are in our 30's she still makes us Easter baskets every year (she says she will stop when she gets grandkids). She usually puts in mostly candy and dollar store junk, but this year she got creative. . . wait for it, wait for it. . . I got pink baby scrapbooking stickers. When I held them up with a puzzled (probably moe like bamboozled) look on my face she says, "they were just so cute I had to buy them. And you will probably use them eventually, right?" (Insert expectant look here) I was officially rendered speechless and quickly made some excuse to get back in the kitchen to my cooking.
After everyone left I had a talk with DH. (he had been convieniently absent during the "sticker incident") I told him that I was sick of his mom rubbing that fact that we are still childless in my face and that I would not be spending any long periods of time with her again in the near future. I really let loose and went on and on about how I went along with her to visit her dying friend and yet she still finds the need to point out every baby, baby item or baby website etc. etc. DH was stunned and said that he had not really noticed how much my MIL had been picking at the baby issue, and that I was right to be upset. Whew.
I am just so disappointed in MIL, as she has had 2 MC in the past. It just amazes me that she can be so completely tactless. . .
Sorry about venting, but that felt better!!
I had entirely too much face time with my dear MIL this weekend. A friend of hers (and someone also close to DH) is currently in a nursing/rehab facility because he is dying of cancer. I have met him only 1-2 times, as he has been ill most of the time DH and I have been together. MIL has been trying to visit often and DH wanted to go to show his support and possibly say good-bye etc. I went along despite the fact that I was a little apprehensive since I don't know him well. MIL drove the 45 mins to facility and when we get there completely clams up; I mean the only questions she could seem to ask the poor man were about tests and pain etc. It was really brutal. I felt horrible because I can only imagine being him and not wanting to dwell on the inevitable, and just wanting to feel "normal." I ended up carrying the conversation for 90 minutes until he needed to rest. I felt good about doing it because he seemed like he really needed the distraction; however I was slightly annoyed at MIL for not uttering one word while there! On the way home she said she was glad that we came because she usually has nothing to say to him! Wow. This was Saturday and after visiting she insists on going out to eat with us because she is famished, and then lets us pick up the tab because she has no cash.
Then on Sunday I was supposed to host Easter dinner. MIL again is in attendance along with DH's 93 yr old grandma. (Now this is the part that really put me over the edge and probably ruined the rest of the day for me.) Despite the fact that DH and I are in our 30's she still makes us Easter baskets every year (she says she will stop when she gets grandkids). She usually puts in mostly candy and dollar store junk, but this year she got creative. . . wait for it, wait for it. . . I got pink baby scrapbooking stickers. When I held them up with a puzzled (probably moe like bamboozled) look on my face she says, "they were just so cute I had to buy them. And you will probably use them eventually, right?" (Insert expectant look here) I was officially rendered speechless and quickly made some excuse to get back in the kitchen to my cooking.
After everyone left I had a talk with DH. (he had been convieniently absent during the "sticker incident") I told him that I was sick of his mom rubbing that fact that we are still childless in my face and that I would not be spending any long periods of time with her again in the near future. I really let loose and went on and on about how I went along with her to visit her dying friend and yet she still finds the need to point out every baby, baby item or baby website etc. etc. DH was stunned and said that he had not really noticed how much my MIL had been picking at the baby issue, and that I was right to be upset. Whew.
I am just so disappointed in MIL, as she has had 2 MC in the past. It just amazes me that she can be so completely tactless. . .
Sorry about venting, but that felt better!!
Replies
Wow! I am so impressed by you!
What a difficult weekend you had and your MIL sounds SO DIFFICULT, but look how much better you felt when you let your feelings out. You had every right to feel angry and I\'m so glad you let that anger out. And look how well your husband handled it! Yay!
That was one of the hugest lessons I learned from the pain of my miscarriages. When I tried to ignore my feelings or not express them, I often felt like I wanted to die. But when I stated how I honestly felt, even when it was scary because I felt so angry or hurt or sad- I felt so much better and was able to connect with the people I shared my feelings with. Look how much closer you feel with your husband now. I think you are touching upon a huge key to your healing. xxoo, Annemarie
Wow. That stinks. Talk about a classless thing to do. Who DOES that kind of stuff? I know it doesn\'t feel good to talk s*** about your family (in-laws count) but that is ridiculous. Sounds like you kept your cool at the time, though. Good for you for stating your thoughts to your husband and setting some limits for the future. Why expose yourself to that.
Now I feel really lucky about my own parents/dad-in-law. They\'ve never stated any expectations about us having kids. And when I called my mom to tell her I\'d been pregnant and had a miscarriage, she said she was just relieved I didn\'t have cancer again!
Wow. That stinks. Talk about a classless thing to do. Who DOES that kind of stuff? I know it doesn\'t feel good to talk s*** about your family (in-laws count) but that is ridiculous. Sounds like you kept your cool at the time, though. Good for you for stating your thoughts to your husband and setting some limits for the future. Why expose yourself to that.
Now I feel really lucky about my own parents/dad-in-law. They\'ve never stated any expectations about us having kids. And when I called my mom to tell her I\'d been pregnant and had a miscarriage, she said she was just relieved I didn\'t have cancer again!
Wow. That stinks. Talk about a classless thing to do. Who DOES that kind of stuff? I know it doesn\'t feel good to talk s*** about your family (in-laws count) but that is ridiculous. Sounds like you kept your cool at the time, though. Good for you for stating your thoughts to your husband and setting some limits for the future. Why expose yourself to that.
Now I feel really lucky about my own parents/dad-in-law. They\'ve never stated any expectations about us having kids. And when I called my mom to tell her I\'d been pregnant and had a miscarriage, she said she was just relieved I didn\'t have cancer again!
Hmmmm .... MILs huh! I got some baby booties in my basket .... and a ton of questions about my period, what the Dr said (again ... had this conversation so many times with MIL now!) and lots of smutty comments about my husbands sex drive. Oh man! We left after a couple of hours amidst much ill feeling LOL My parents are a bit like 2cats - just glad I\'m OK because previous pregnancies put me at risk - guess which set of parents live just down the road?
It\'s rough to have one like that Platypus and I think having a significant break from your MIL until she \'gets it\' might be a good thing. If your DH can\'t, wont\'s or doesn\'t talk to her and get some change, then let him go visit her himself without you!
It\'s good that the two of you had a good talk and way to go for getting some of that anger out - hope that helps some :)
Hmmmm .... MILs huh! I got some baby booties in my basket .... and a ton of questions about my period, what the Dr said (again ... had this conversation so many times with MIL now!) and lots of smutty comments about my husbands sex drive. Oh man! We left after a couple of hours amidst much ill feeling LOL My parents are a bit like 2cats - just glad I\'m OK because previous pregnancies put me at risk - guess which set of parents live just down the road?
It\'s rough to have one like that Platypus and I think having a significant break from your MIL until she \'gets it\' might be a good thing. If your DH can\'t, wont\'s or doesn\'t talk to her and get some change, then let him go visit her himself without you!
It\'s good that the two of you had a good talk and way to go for getting some of that anger out - hope that helps some :)
Hmmmm .... MILs huh! I got some baby booties in my basket .... and a ton of questions about my period, what the Dr said (again ... had this conversation so many times with MIL now!) and lots of smutty comments about my husbands sex drive. Oh man! We left after a couple of hours amidst much ill feeling LOL My parents are a bit like 2cats - just glad I\'m OK because previous pregnancies put me at risk - guess which set of parents live just down the road?
It\'s rough to have one like that Platypus and I think having a significant break from your MIL until she \'gets it\' might be a good thing. If your DH can\'t, wont\'s or doesn\'t talk to her and get some change, then let him go visit her himself without you!
It\'s good that the two of you had a good talk and way to go for getting some of that anger out - hope that helps some :)
Oh my gosh...that is bad. How you kept it together during all of that AND kept yourself from yelling at MIL....Kudos to you! When people of given me things like the stickers or booties like abiinindy got...I throw them away! I don\'t need to see that junk, reminding me how insensitive people can be. Glad to hear that your DH was so understanding.
Abi I am so sorry about the booties and the questions I can so sympathize!! My MIL lives very close too and she likes to just drop by. . .NO MORE I say!
2cats2luv your parents sound a lot like mine, but unfortunately they couldn\'t make the Easter dinner from hell this year. . . they have been mostly supportive, but distant through this whole process.
heartofhope I am most definitely throwing those stickers away I just wish I could avoid her completely, but with her only 9 houses away it is difficult. There will definitely be no more dinners in our future. . .
Oh yes, i forgot you have Marie Barone as a MIL - that is truly horrendous! I think it\'s time for your DH to step up and really talk to her. It\' such a shame that at a time when she could be so supportive, she\'s actually causing you stress. I wonder if this is her way of trying to reassure you that one day you will have a family and is just getting it all wrong!