note to myself, remember this
113 days in recovery. Odd, I know, I count down the days, for me, its like looking in the mirror with my clothes off (sorry but its the only comparison I could think of :) It brings me into reality, but, there are times I have to remind myself, my recovery is not a race. Rather a journey.
Late last night, my sweet roommate came home (he has become more like a family member.) Coming in late, he announced to me, that he went to a local casino with his friends, he played with 40.00 and come home with 180, he was so proud of that. He then proceeded to tell me about a friend of his, that had gone up 1100, but wouldn't leave the table and ended up leaving with 400 instead.
I went to bed thinking about the normality of the conversation I had with him. He is not aware of my addiction, I have never told him, I just never thought it was something I wanted to discuss with him. I actually felt a tiny urge to do it again, I missed it, as odd as that sounds. Then, I started to think, I remember going into a card room, learning to master the game of poker, with 40.00, and slowly going to the bigger stakes tables, I sat for the first time at the bigger stakes table and tripled my money in one hand, at that point, I was "hooked." Then, I thought about my last time I went out, the sickening feeling of placing a bet, and just not caring, I didn't care, I hadn't slept for two days, I hadn't eaten for two days, I left my home, my dogs, my family alone, and didn't care about anything, including myself. It wasn't the first time I had done that, it was one of countless times.
Did I have a tiny urge? Or was I romancing the beginning of a very sick relationship? I have often said, that I would rather be alone, then in a lonely relationship, and that stands true for my addiction. My addiction to gambling is a very lonely, destructive relationship, it slowly sucked the life out of me. 113 days later, I am just now starting to find my footing, I see a glimpse of who I can be, and who I am. There may be times I romance the beginning of the relationship I had with gambling, but I need to remember, how bad it was.
Do the day my warriors. My relationships with all of you, probably one of the healthiest choices I have made in over 10 years.
xoxoxox
Late last night, my sweet roommate came home (he has become more like a family member.) Coming in late, he announced to me, that he went to a local casino with his friends, he played with 40.00 and come home with 180, he was so proud of that. He then proceeded to tell me about a friend of his, that had gone up 1100, but wouldn't leave the table and ended up leaving with 400 instead.
I went to bed thinking about the normality of the conversation I had with him. He is not aware of my addiction, I have never told him, I just never thought it was something I wanted to discuss with him. I actually felt a tiny urge to do it again, I missed it, as odd as that sounds. Then, I started to think, I remember going into a card room, learning to master the game of poker, with 40.00, and slowly going to the bigger stakes tables, I sat for the first time at the bigger stakes table and tripled my money in one hand, at that point, I was "hooked." Then, I thought about my last time I went out, the sickening feeling of placing a bet, and just not caring, I didn't care, I hadn't slept for two days, I hadn't eaten for two days, I left my home, my dogs, my family alone, and didn't care about anything, including myself. It wasn't the first time I had done that, it was one of countless times.
Did I have a tiny urge? Or was I romancing the beginning of a very sick relationship? I have often said, that I would rather be alone, then in a lonely relationship, and that stands true for my addiction. My addiction to gambling is a very lonely, destructive relationship, it slowly sucked the life out of me. 113 days later, I am just now starting to find my footing, I see a glimpse of who I can be, and who I am. There may be times I romance the beginning of the relationship I had with gambling, but I need to remember, how bad it was.
Do the day my warriors. My relationships with all of you, probably one of the healthiest choices I have made in over 10 years.
xoxoxox
Replies
Dear Leap, Read this journal back. There are clues in here. Maybe you need to talk about this with your sweet roommate? Remember what it say\'s on page 17 from the GA Combo book. The old timers on the GA call in meeting stress the importance of this all the time! I believe it is true.
\"Dont associate with acquaintances who gamble. Dont go in or near gambling establishments. DONT GAMBLE FOR ANYTHING.\"
Leap, People who gamble and who talk about it are toxic for us! Especially so early in our recovery. I think you should re-consider talking to your roommate about your addiction as this was most likely a a big trigger for you. Hope this helps you! I had to quit association with my best friend Barbara and I also quit going to my TOPS club. Too much talk about gambling was not helping me. You can do this! I know it! Hugs! Cher
I agree with you, Cher, it was a trigger, and I sat with him the night prior, and played cards with him. I did talk with him, and he understands now, and is completely supportive, but, he didn\'t now before, I just never felt it was something I should talk with him about. Thanks.
That\'s Great Terri! It sounds like he is a great guy. There is a stigma associated with this addiction, I know but... the people who are closest to us that we trust should be understanding and supportive of what we need to do to protect our recovery. If they are not, then we will have problems. I still have a hard time talking to my husband about it all but as time goes by and I am finally being honest with myself and him it gets easier.