note

I found myself coming from my positive thoughts yesterday's 

writings  

back to the collective group of the sisters this morning.

I found myself responding to their dissappointment

in the relation to things I was helping them with and my own

interpretation while feeling so connected and unguarded with them - of my 

perhaps faulty delivery of things. I can't do that - I can't take it on.

I realize that a person's dissapointment in me - is not 

about me really - it is not the truth about me - their judgement

is not the word that represents me - but the truth

of what the other may be all about at that moment or how they deal with anything. Make sense?

I also found myself recognizing that we all maintain certain

boundaries and dialogues in life - that help us feel the sense of 

well being which we need. Each person has their individual sense of

well being that is determinable for ourselves - like me writing these crazy 

passages - and socially when we talk we each provide for

or manage communally. Gosh this schizoaffective talk sucks.

I can see how people feel teetering and tottering 

about where they stand - trying to appease others

and managing their own comfort levels.

I took my godson and my friend the Abbess out for dinner

tonight and just felt the third wheel - They have all these very

creative academic discussions - that seem a lot of creative structuring

of their need - but essentially it seems about their need - but it

was pretty impressive I have to admit....I thought about 

Blue and how I know I am special to him - even though

I knew at the dinner that I was just managing sense

of well being for myself - as usual I found myself building bridges

between other people - building consensus- but always being the wind beneath the others' wings.

I came home to Blue and my real friends - and I feel so grateful and

happy to be here in this cyber space with you.