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i've been thinking about my fear of commitment - in the context of this place/monastery
i've also been thinking about how I can get mighty restless - wanting to just bust
out and do or go somewhere else. But I am gaining a perspective of the different
chapters to my life...and... 'running to a new place' - I am questioning...
I called my Dad to talk to him about it - and we talked about plans for work
and my future in the aspect
that he said 'just try out a part time job" - He doesn't know if I have the energy
or if my condition will worsen in a full time work environment - he also
said that he doesn't think a full time job in an office would be good for me.
He suggested I try and do something where I can be my own boss.
Good thoughts -
he also said to me "don't plan too far into the future - think just a few days
ahead - because of my condition - you might not know how you will be '
this was interesting to me - and his power of observation and synthesis
is so brilliant - it's his own style of management -
I really would love to hear what you guys think about this -
I know I need to prepare for the future - and I have saved some - but also
I 'have what I have'/condition - so perhaps I need a short term strategy -
as well a really 'essential basis' future strategy.
Thanks,
Mark :)
Replies
life is what happens while we are busy making other plans. ~john lenon (beautiful boy)
i second your father's notion that it is better to avoid planning too far ahead. even my retirement planning --the one currently being consumed by my 3 orphans-- was accomplished with short-term moves. on the day i opened my first retirement account, i was clueless that i needed to set aside enough to cover a second parenting career. the devil really does live in the details and predicting how, when and where the devil will bite is somewhere between difficult and impossible.
and then we get to your mental health condition. seems to me that fear of commitment was already a problem when you were just a californicating store clerk. wherever we go in life, there we are. we don't get to escape ourselves.
my surprise is that you are surprised.
I think it's important to be flexible and willing to change if needed. If starting your own business, statistically, 9 out of 10 businesses fail within the first year so it helps to be flexible and not afraid to try something else. I know a few guys that filed bankruptcy twice but the third time built a successful business with a huge income. So don't be afraid of change....
I think with all that you do at the monestary it would be really, really hard to have a full time job sweetie
It was exhausting for you before when you had a part time job
It's worth trying again
I think the biggest difficulty with the Monestary is communal living and that would be hard for most of us so don't beat yourself up for that
I think of it and I want to run away from home!!
You did really well when you worked in the bakery in CA
But I can't imagine working many hours with all of your other work sweetie...IMHO
Thanks Bob and Jan!
Thanks Arfie,
I was in a similar place a couple years ago before I decided to go part time. Back to work. Now I’ve been a cashier for two years with this company. And I really love my job. I think if you want to try to dip your toes back in the water and find a part-time job. Just a few hours a week. That could be good for you. I never plan more than a few days ahead. I say it’s worth a shot to try to find a job for a couple hours a week. Just to see how it works and may be eventually. You can pull yourself back up to more hours, but have patience.
Thanks Sunshine
"...so perhaps I need a short term strategy - as well a really 'essential basis' future strategy."
You've described it perfectly.
Most of us have experienced that tension between restlessness and rootedness. That tension is intensified in the context of your illness, which by its nature involves a fluctuating sense of self, mood, and reality. Commitment implies stability, predictability, and linearity. So, I wonder if your "fear of commitment" is not a personality trait, but rather, a way of staying agile while dealing with internal volatility.
Your dad's advice to focus only a few days ahead is excellent. He's encouraging a present-centered way of thinking, similar to mindfulness. We really have very little control over what's down the road. Still, it's wise to have a basic, minimally structured, plan for the future. It would allow you to adjust course, but also provide a sense of continuity.
As for being your own boss, that's a great idea. One of my close friends, who also has your diagnosis, is an amazing, self-taught composer. He understands his illness well enough to know that while he can handle short-term projects, long-term commitments - especially ones involving time pressure - are unwise. You often speak of your art (which I'd love to see). Perhaps you might turn that into a part-time, self-paced creative/professional project free from the emotional and cognitive cost of navigating rigid institutional environments (like a grocery store, bakery, etc.). I just purchased a new house that needs artwork for its walls. : ) Other people need art, too.
I know you've struggled with whether the monastery is right for you. This may sound terribly cheesy...but when I'm struggling with a decision, I make a "pro/con" list. What would be the reasons for and against you leaving the monastery? I'm sure you've thought a lot about them, but actually writing (or typing) them down can provide clarity, because you can see which side of your list is longer.
You're doing great, Mark. Keep on, keeping on. Hugs.
thanks Judy! x your ideas are so appreciated! you are a total gem! I really appreciate this.