It's been a really growthful day,

I want to share what I've learned for pridefulness and helping too.

Yesterday I was talking to someone and it dawned on me, every time I drive him somewhere he draws me into his world with no question of mine ever.  It's ok.

It's really shown me, I and we all ask something like that. 

Maybe that's why I can give good therapy/confessions  

to the parishioners here - I can do that - I can't always see myself but I can see others. I am ever ready to hear people and advise and heal and reassure. 

Today I realized something else. That I wanted my wishes in life to come true just by virtue of 'my being.' Just for being

honored that I wanted them. It seemed an idea that I needed to look at - as maybe a bit presumptuous.

I believe in the 'essential value' of a person though, of all persons, but I also noticed that choice in life is a great luxury.

There are things that I have told you about what I like here. The cost that the elder wants, for me to live like this may be too high for me. There are others here who have a greater fit with this kind of life. For me my mental health does not fair so well under submission to the degree. There's no nirvana - and definitely I can't expect a perect fit.

But in reaction to the moving around at ‘a moment's notice’, this past month I did not save so much. Only $200. I was a mess emotionally and in the short term I sought out grounding through retail therapy. I did not spend more than I have, again I reserved $200. But with the nature life here, and my feeling at odds with it,  I realize I have to recommit to saving $ in the coming months. The austerity that elder has created now for me because of my 'bad behavior', has taught me a major lesson.

I’m trying.
If you have feelings or thoughts, please be free with them. 

I also have $3000 reserved in my drawer here

So $3200

I guess since my family is having a meeting about this, and searching for a solution for how I would live, I want to tell you it’s the moving around at a moments notice that kills me. I am committed to the work here and have grown in confidence and have greater health for the most part. There’s a greater freedom I’d like but again there’s no nirvana. I feel like a spoiled brat.

I feel very much aware of the luxury to have choices in anyone’s life, and I realize I need to build and understand strength

in life. Save resources and build a capital to help me make decisions.

I also have $1,000 in my account. My cards are meager right now - I am remembering what Trump said to Zelensky.

"You don't have the cards!" - and I thought of myself that "I don't have the cards.

My role as priest won't change - Again understanding relationships is a very essential thing and knowing my dynamic is important. I want to help people and help care for the monastery that is my role and mission - but I recognize I need some capital to be able to negotiate my life - a stark reality - but I also know of the house rules.