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it's weird but after a good realization today, one of being ready to reframe my perspective in order to
adjust and achieve a goal to quell my discomfort and disquiet, I realized what is clearly a symptom of the illness.
I've recognized this before but today because I had power over the situation at last, it rang true to me.
The symptom is when we, in our graduation from youth to adulthood, we have to transition and adjust to
creating a life for ourselves rather than have that life and structure made for us. So I was a pretty dutiful kid
and a good student - but after I got sick right in the last year of college. All that reality was something that slowly
creeped up on me - and it's like I hit a brick wall. No sense of personal community or structure could help me.
Dealing with my family structure was too hard as well. Traversing the two worlds was beyond my ability.
So I went into therapy and heavy meds. I suppose I needn't have written all this. But I guess what I wanted to
say is that today - when feeling crushed by life I wrote the following:
I left work today wishing I were part of a religious community.
I appreciate that it must be nice to live in a community all working for a common
goal. As I worked today I felt just humble. My own frustrations made me set my pride aside
and I just did the work well. As I drove home my discomfort just made me look outside myself for a reverence
or really a spirituality that was about loving life. Appreciating the moment. And so aside from doing chores I will appreciate my day and keep positive.
---
Fear of broaching a community can really stymie you. Putting that fear (and pain) and acceptance of the nature of it in place - appreciating life - can really help you move forward and take steps to build that structure and community on a personal basis. I signed up for a class today which starts in January. Really looking forward to it!!! I went back to the gym
as well today- that workout really is good for the energies at large. It's spending too much time not working it out that can create those crisis.
I also want to say is that I realize my family has been really patient and giving with me. I am lucky!
Replies
You do seem called to religious community, Mark. Maybe step up your involvement at Church? I have yet to brush up against a religious community that didn't have need of more volunteers. Some of the mission groups I've joined forces with are top notch community servants and fun to hang out with, as a bonus.
Was I supposed to have an excuse to write all this, or any stuff? I'm not a writer. I *just* write. It calms the neurons. Whether anybody takes it or leaves it is all the same to me.
thanks arfie. I love your writing and thank you for your response and reflection!!! xx
I belonged to an Anglican Church but it was very social and I freaked because I felt the object of gossip
and so unsafe. They wanted me there all the time. In some respects now I wouldn't mind that - but I like the idea
of a mission group that would be supportive of a cause.
I am going to my friend's monastery in March for a few days. I will work with them on whatever they need while there.
Quite honestly I have just come back from the gym, and I am really faced with my differences right now and accepting them. It doesn't mean though that I can't aspire to some personal pursuit or goal. I can respect it, but I can also head out to the monastery. :) :)
My social anxiety does me in for any group of whatever stripe. On my high anxiety days, even my critter groups seem unreasonably demanding for tolerance. "What? You wanna eat again today? Greedy peckers. . . You only love my chicken scratch."
Cloistered (monastery) life appeals to my social anxiety, big time, especially the ones that require vows of silence. I worked with a spiritual counselor for a couple of years who helped me see that my social anxiety doesn't speak for all of me. Cloistered life would likely trigger my fears of entrapment. Mission/volunteer work really does help me feel connected, despite the social anxiety which makes it so hard for me to commit to anything for very long at a stretch.
Still sorting. . .
thanks arfie.
Hope you enjoy the class you are going to take. Also, glad you have such a great family.
thanks becky!
Big hug for you sweetie...… Good for you doing a workout AND signing up for a class.... Way to go!!…...xo
thanks Jan!! :)