Not Worth Fighting For
i am so alone...my depression is consuming me. No one notices or cares. I have no friends. The only reason I am still alive is my dog. I can't bear the thought of abandoning him. But it's so hard. I want to go back to self harming so I can control the pain I feel.
I am currently in a relationship that is going nowhere. I know I need to break it off. But the thought of him being ok with losing me hurts so bad. Today I realized I have never been worth fighting for for anyone. It makes me feel so worthless. Part of me thinks that I have to have something in me that is worth fighting for...but the reality is that no one has ever fought for me. Not friends, not significant others...no one. I'm so sick of fighting for myself, to try and believe that there is worth in me. It feels so pointless anymore. No one cares or notices the despair I'm in. I can't break free from it. I hate myself. I have so much disgust for myself and I just want it all to end.
Replies
Most people won't fight for you. The closer you edge toward darkness, the fewer people will follow you there. It's their unconscious self-preservation instinct, because if they had to deal with even a fraction of what you're feeling, it would knock them on their asses.
You need to stop this relationship and brave the resentment that will be thrown your way. Chances are, your partner is sucking more energy from you than you realize - maybe simply by not validating your feelings.
That's not what intimacy is like. Intimacy is not sex, it is knowing and truly caring for the other person.
Can you take up martial arts or some other activity which makes you connect physically with other people? It can contribute greatly to find your center, or maybe even your kind of people.
Hang in there. This too, shall pass.
I know it sounds cliche, but you must learn to love yourself. If you don't think you are worth it, others don't generally step up and show you that you are. Think of what a good friend you are to others, think of what a good partner you are in your relationship. Learn to give that love to yourself too. This helped me a lot when beating myself up. I started asking myself what would I do or say for a friend who was feeling the same way. Well, don't you deserve the same kindness towards yourself? YES. Yes, you do!