turning that frown upside down :( ... :)

I don't know why life is trying to beat me up this morning ...

I woke this morning, slowly, but with a series of hurtful thoughts

that were nearly like the affirmation of where I am in the world amongst others...

(going back and reading it now it seems as though I was reaching for something to look

forward to?? Not sure - as I was so comfy and going to coffee didn't inspire me too much.)

At least I am trying to make sense of why that would be.. Maybe it's

in part that I don't have a partner to think about or relate to

and so I live in the machinations of my mind and body - the natural

ebbs and flows of it?? I do have Blue and he needed me to feed

him around 315am or so. Anyways I went back to bed.

I got up around 530a or so - got dressed and snuggled Blue and then 

went for a coffee.

The barista there I am familiar with - but after our brief chat and the way we said

good bye, I felt as though I had dissapointed her or did something wrong - 

and then this colored my outlook as I came home... it took on a whole

global view of myself, rather than seeing it for the brief moment that it was 

and perhaps the small 'hiccup' that it was.

Push back and reclaim my day I day I am telling myself now... :)

I was thinking about yesterday, about having the strength and fortitude to

create my own life, with outtings this holiday that would fill me up..

I am going to try and volunteer with this ex-policeman I know who

serves the local community up north from me...If he needs help

and wants me - I will join him.

I also thought about how I would like to see Christmas music this year

at a local church if there are any concerts going on.

When I lived in Toronto, I went to the local Anglican churches that

had concerts and it was SO nice...Things in Canada are so much

more automatic if that makes sense. The society is cohesive in its culture.

Unlike here in the states where you really have to decide what you want

and then fight for it and kind of be a tough ass about..as it's definitely your

own road that you're forging... I suppose there

are good aspects for that as well but I miss the ease of life in Canada

a little bit. I am so grateful though for being around my friends and family

here in the states now. I am afraid my illness really has me questioning

everything about myself...as usual I suppose. I'll put on a better attitude

and shower and dress. 

Things aren't bad - but I am so messed up that

there is something within me that wants me to be in absolute unison

with everything and yet I think what it's about is just owning my

attitude and turning my frown upside down lol from :( to ... :)!!

I'm feeling better after rereading this and adding notes that make

it all have much more sense!!

Peace and happy Weekend!!

xx