not sure what I should do
I am starting to see the dark side of living here.
It's been incredibly fruitful here in terms of helping me grow and stabilize
but also now I am finding the dark side. The fear of being able to make a change
on my own is there and as is also the reality of the grimm nature of relationships.
Maybe I have become warped because of what I have experienced in life but
perhaps it's my own peculiar filter that I have too.
If I had my choice I would continue in a life 'like this' -
but because of the issues here I realize that I am starting to think about things solely in a human context
rather than that of high flying ideas and wonderment. There seems no room
for happiness or living. The need to keep
human to human perspective dowses the passions of those flights of fancies.
I also find myself when attempting or thinking about making a foray on my own
I become incredibly prideful - high soaring - and yeah a sense of superior
righteous destiny about my life...I need to remember to stay humble because I know
I am living a kind of fantasy life - having come to this place because of the good graces
of relationships both having to do with my family's relationships and my own relationships
cared for, though naturally, by myself and the people here.
I don't know if it was just a bad day yesterday - a bad few days. I don't know how
people can call themselves religious for the way they treat people here. It seems the passions
alone become the focus and are unfiltered inflicted on others or more precisely on me
the only male who is always available. Thinking about my own comfort all the time makes
me feel loath to bridging the boundary of a new life venture. I'll give it my best shot! :)
Replies
thanks for letting me write that - I feel calmer and have a better outlook that life is filled with good moments too.
Happy Friday!
I’m grateful I had the plan to take off from duties today.
I’m taking the time to let it all just filter. I wrote a good journal, had a coffee and donut and now I’m just thinking. I’m wondering if it would be better elsewhere?
My Dad said to deal with this on my own and I will. It’s good advice. I have the name and email of a brilliant priest and diplomatic genius, Father A..
I’m trying the best I can. My own filter can be faulty, but I wonder if others don’t suffer with the same issue. ? My friend urges me to not try and perfect things because it hurts me.
Because the work here involves dealing with our practice and the nuns constantly my vision is so focused on that, but I’ll keep open to the world at large.
You guys rock! Thanks and good morning wishes!
There will always be, in any segment of life, bad apples that sink to the bottom, While other apples rise to float, be wiped off, and eatten with delight. <3
thanks mary louise!
i have yet to meet a questioner who does not spend time questioning, "the dark side" of life. questioners question EVERYTHING. in fact, i, strictly personal, tend to get more lost in the proverbial darkness than i do in the proverbial light. metaphorically speaking, of course. i have excellent night sight. i don't believe i have ever gotten lost in the literal darkness.
a weird side stream which has generated from my electric light phobia is what e-light lovers call, "dark." the natural night lights are far more subtle than neon and leds but i hold them as the best light show on the planet. from that observation came a more meditative wonder of how often i exaggerate the tragedies of metaphorical darkness with my eternal questioning. that line has helped me considerable in getting the proverbial stick out of my ass to find more beauties in life, both day and night.
thanks arfie. I think what I am learning is the factual sense of self now. that I can relate to. I have a major mood disorder.
I used to think that meant I wasn't managing well enough - but manage well in spite of the factual status of my
physical being. Sometimes it's managed better than others.. Sometimes the spikes that come at me or that come from within
inspire me to lose sight of what I am doing or what I actually want and I end up sitting lost in the moment. Churning ideas and so forth. Depending
on my family so dearly has been so much about factual concrete grounding...but to understand myself effectively I am finding
success in my difference from them by finding I have a factual sense of self. And so I am now finding myself viable to manage with optimism and success my time on my own here in Maryland.