Not sure but things seem to be getting worse
Every time I feel my wife has decided to leave, she flips a switch and acts like everything is in my head. I question myself and wonder if I'm so damaded from the infidelity that my fears run away with me. There is always evidence to support my feelings but she is convincing. I do remember how incredibly convincing an actress she was during the time she was cheating, though. Also, she never shows any sympathy or even empathy for my doubts. She doesn't really make me feel secure with her attention or actions, only that whatever I was doubting was invalid.
So once again I find things spinning downward. She says she loves me but occasionally lashes out at me with words dripping with contempt. I'm the one who reconciles the checkbook and when I last asked her about a $100 ATM withdrawl she asked if I'm trying to keep tabs on every little thing she spends. We have 2 adult children on our cell phone plan and they pay their part for their phones. When I asked that she split the bill so they could pay earlier, she asked if I wanted theirs and hers to be on a separate bill. This was the arrangement when we were divorced, but her question took me completely by surprise. When I told her I meant to figure out only the boys' parts so they could pay not separate into new billing accounts, she blamed me for making her think I wanted her and them off our bill. WTH?
My analytical brain is pretty sure she is putting on an act and stringing me along to give herself time to leave on her own terms. She says she will go to marriage counseling in September. She claims it will not help because she needs to work on herself to fix things with us. That is probably true but she has not been going to her therapist for a few months now. I almost wonder if she wants the divorce to originate from me so that all our boys won't blame her. Our boys know I have loved her every day of their lives so she is rightfully concerned that they will assume the desire to end the marriage would come from her.
Marriage counseling can't come soon enough. I don't expect it to fix anything or even determine blame. I just want honesty and to know whether she will actually try. I cannot keep living wondering when she will leave and feeling she is not committed to loving me.
Replies
I understand where you are coming from. You are now on the defensive for every thought and action because you won't give your trust freely. It's exhausting, no? Her guilt and narcissism is her self-preservation because she is not ready to come to terms with herself. She's not going to leave you because the responsibility will then be hers. She needs a villain in you. She needs to be able to say, "Well, you left. I said i would do xyz and you still left. So, it's on you." It's cowardly. Like I told my husband, "I love you unconditionally, but I won't allow you to hurt me unconditionally." I finally had to write a letter letting him know that I release him and I will be alright on my own. It's all raw right now and it's hard to see beyond this. I hope it gets better for you and you find the way that brings you life and light. It's hard. I'm not gonna lie. It's hard, but it's doable one hour at a time.
To me, it doesn't sound like things are all in your head. The fact that she gets so defensive when you mention something you just wanted to resolve makes me think she is again trying to hide something. (It could be that she feels you are accusing her ,thus her guard up.)
I do think you could be right about her wanting you to start things so she may get some sympathy from your boys. By the sounds of things they do know that you have truly given her every chance and tried to make this work.
I wish you well with the counseling..... More importantly I wish you well with this whole thing. It often takes someone else to remind us that we should not settle for being treated badly or to be content with simple crumbs of attention here and there.
Thank you both for the kind encouragement. I want this marriage to work. I understand that she and I will have difficult times with feelings for the other over the years and we need to depend on the other to be supportive and always there. I want to be that way for her if she is struggling. But the fears of her leaving are painful and she goes through this cycle every year. At this stage in the cycle, I feel very confident that she feels she does not want to be with me but that she should not leave. I don't want to push her out but I keep asking myself, how much pain should I have to endure, day after day? If we get to a good place again, I will still know in my heart that the cycle will continue. Having this marriage and family destroyed again would be so very devastating but in the big picture would it be less painful than month after month or year after year of this?
When she was trying to get us back together after the divorce I kept telling her no because I knew she would do this again. She broke me down because she took complete ownership of her wrongs. She told me everything I did not think she even knew to say. She convinced me that she truly understood what in her caused this and would never give up fixing those things in commitment to me and our marriage. Now she acts like those conversations never happened. I have not confronted her about them but I can tell from her manner, her words, and her eyes that she is right back to thinking the way she did when she went looking for someone else to replace me.
So often we are used to the women being the ones whos spouse is who cheats, is unhappy, or wants to leave...and we are usually very quick to try to give them the strength, courage and self worth they need to begin their journey toward a healthier, happier life. Breaking out of an unhappy, miserable. existence.
In my opinion, you have tried and given her many more chances than anyone deserves. You should not have to go through this yearly and it is extremely unfair and one sided for you to try to be there when she seems not to care.
I am still hanging on in an unhappy marriage . I went through the "for better or worse"...."in sickness and in health". But now, I am finally realizing I have had enough and don't want to spend the rest of my life being this miserable and resentful (most of the time)
We do have our moments (similar to what you had when she admitted and took responsibility for what she did to you) In my marriage, I feel i have given 110% and gotten back 25% (if that) My husband has said in our frequent arguments that I am the only one who ever mentions leaving. Said he has never even considered it. As I thought about this I understand why. He is getting every one of his needs met, sadly I am not having any of mine.
I tried explaining to him what I need... why it is so hard for me. He tried by just doing a little something extra around the house.....It lasted for two days. he is not willing to change and I think your wife is either. i am finally looking toward doing what i need to do. I think you should too.
Thoughts and prayers with you...may you find courage and strength to express your needs and how hurtful she is being. You should not have to worry about being replaced...YOU DESERVE BETTER TOO.