not sure anymore

so,  earlier i told u guys how happy i am. and its true i am happy with my girl friend. i am happy being here. but i also feel so lost and confused. i kinda feel alone especially at the moment.this is the worst part of the year for me. the holidays suck ass! i feel bad saying that cause everyone gets all into it and loves them. but i hate them.i honestly just want to spend christmas day sleeping all day i dont wanna see anyone.my cousin chris want me to go to minneapolis with them to my aunts house i dont wanna go. i feel like im intruiting on sombody elses family. all day i have just wanted to cut i cant get death out of my head. i have been trying but it just doesnt wanna leave me alone. i miss my lil niece alot  she is a big part of my life. i miss her kisses and her lil voice and i miss playing with her and i miss getting her ready and putting juice in her cuppy. idk.i sit here and i cant stop crying . i dont really know who to talk to because i feeel so stupid. so pathetic. i feel like im not good enough for anyone anymore. i dont know whats wrong with me.i cant stop shaking. idk im gunna go for a lil bit. we'll see where i end up
sorry for this crap
bye