not such a good day

it's not such a good day for me today... my mind takes a wrong turn in a way that is so undermining a lot of times.

I am really tired for some reason - I feel my age - I don't want to complain but it seems that's just

part of the bag of things. Yesterday I was thinking about things because my mood shifted a lot too - I go inward

because of all the incongruities of my sense of self - but moods hit everyone I suppose - I don't know why I feel

so blown over by mine - I tend to go inward when all this happens - I try to understand it all...

Yesterday I did some good work - and yet then when I went to bed mood shifted bigtime - felt tormented by loneliness

and depression - finally fell asleep - and then I woke up to go to work. While at work I felt such negativity and paranoia (social anxiousness)- like acrid seawater inside myself and yet people around me were for the most part so wonderfully kind and not beleagured

with or reacting with the negativity I was projecting out there that I was so convinced was going on... I realized it was me... I tried to not accept it within me

but the wrong turn happened and I seemed to swallow that it was in fact me who is just this way... not a great thing - 

i felt so disconnected from others when this happened - I started spinning - but

I gave up the search for an answer and for the consolation in philosophy. I just did my work and I was mighty tired and felt beat up by the end of the day.

Now I am starting on another project at home.. So often I feel when I am alone that instead of relating to another person as my benchmark for my status, I relate to an aesthetic..like 'the rules' kind of thing...but I think I am getting the sense of order about things - (i know that probably doesn't make sense but I just need to write it out.)

Right now, I feel tired and unmotivated but I need to keep on keeping on, slowly but surely the job/project will get done. I wish this dark cloud would dissapear and it will, if I just keep on with the day - shift gears and get on with my boogie.

I feel like we may have an image of ourselves in our mind - and others will see us so differently from that assumed self image - I just need to keep humble and accept the positives in my day and world..and keep on keeping on. 

peace and have a good day!!

mark