Not so tough...

Ok, so I know that we've all talked about being a bit scared by our partner/husband/bf, etc and I was kind of scared of him before but oh my gosh, he's really frightening when he's mad. I went to dinner with an old friend from high school (I'm 25 so it's been a couple years since I've seen him; I'd see him sporadically in college); it was totally platonic. We're just friends, and last night we just had dinner, gave each other a hug, and I went home. My ex (who still hasn't moved out and is set to move out Sat--hopefully!!) wasn't home yet. This was around 10; he came home around 2am and was all upset (drunk and probably high I'm sure) and came into my room where I was sleeping and started going off on how he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, etc, etc... I don't know if it's because I was exhausted and still half asleep or if it's because I've been working on emotionally detaching, but he couldn't really get to me. I explained what all of his problems are right now (he doesn't work the hours he should be if he works at all, he's using all the time and using all his drugs of choice-not just one, etc); I wasn't mean but I guess I was kind of blatant. I told him that I didn't hate him (his words) I just need him to get clean and get his life back on track before we could get back together, like I asked him before and he agreed to do. And I kept begging him to please let me go back to sleep, because I have to be at work in the morning, I can't just sleep late. On his way out he starts asking me what I did that night. Nevermind that he went over to a buddies house, said he'd be home at 7 or 8 and never showed up until 2... I asked him if we could please talk about it in the morning and he started getting really pushing so I told him I went out with one of my friends from high school and yes it was a guy. Nevermind that we're broken up, nevermind that he's been going to parties or to see his friends and staying out all night long and went to parties this weekend with his high school friends most of whom have been to rehab and are on drugs and slept at the house were they had the parties both nights... Nevermind all that, he went nuts. Like ballistic angry. At least he slept upstairs without any more of a fight but this morning he was still in a rage, and I was like if you're so mad then why are you here, why not stay somewhere else? But he wouldn't leave.  He's been sending me threatening text messages today. It's out of control, and I'm honestly kind of scared. I'm hoping my house is still going to be in one piece when I go home from work. I figure I can always hold over his head that I'll tell his parents he's doing heroin, but I don't know if that would make him scared or just angier. He's like a completely different person, and it's scary how creepy and mean he can be. I mean, he's been mean and cruel but not in such a blantantly scary way... I'm pretty freaked out, and I totally don't know what to do. I've read some people talking about how the addict needs to feel in control, like he's the one leaving. I guess that's probably whats happening. He wants to convince himself that he's leaving me--even though we've been broken up for six weeks. It's just so crazy. I mean, I guess it's good. It makes it kind of hard to get confused if this is the way he's going to behave. I guess I can stay away a lot easier.  But geez, I really loved him. Apart from the drugs he's a really great guy, or I thought he was. I knew he had a temper, and maybe that's all this is, but I didn't think he would be so threatening and scary. I'm totally freaked out. I don't want to go home, or I guess it's more accurate to say I don't want to go home and see him. Lately he's been picking fights before he goes to these parties, I think because it makes him feel less guilty about using drugs or doing things with other girls. I mean, I know it isn't my fault, but it shows how amazing he is at manipulation that he thinks he can really turn things around and make me think that I ruined our relationship--esp when it was already over!  So I know this is a ton of venting and sorry... I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. I was doing so good and feeling so hopefully, and now I kind of feel like all of that is floating away. I'm sure the light at the end of the tunnel is still there, but I can't really see it right now. Is there something wrong with me that I fell in love with a guy who is behaving this way? I guess it's just the drugs, but still. It's a pretty harsh side to see. I'm so frustrated with myself for getting into this mess. I guess I should have left ages ago. And I can't believe that on a completely emotional level (because rationally I know it's insane) I'm kind of wondering if I did something wrong. Right now, I wish that I had never met him. I never thought I would regret being with him, because I figured it made me who I am and I've learned so much. But right now I really regret all of it. It's so hard to still love someone who can be so incredibly awful to you. I'm feeling so incredibly discouraged.