Not So Happy Birthday

Tomorrow will definitely not be the birthday I had imagined it being. I could care less about going out and partying or anything like that. I stopped going out a long time ago. But the one person I want to spend my birthday with isn't going to be there. Last year we didn't do anything. We went and test drove the car I would eventually end up buying, and then went home. I couldn't tell you what we had for dinner, but what I do remember is that we had cake and we sat in the living room just me, him, and our kids. And it was absolutely perfect! This will be the first birthday in 5 years that he will not be here for. I've spent everyone of my birthday's with him since we met. Its so strange to look back and see how much has changed since then, how much of an impact he had on my life. I would not be the person I am today if it was not for him. I believe the reason for the struggles we went through at the beginning of our relationship were to build my strength to make it through this now. And without him I would probably still be a complete mess and still waiting tables. When we met I was 22, i thought I had it all figured out then. At that point I was a single mom with an 18 month old. And I did a lot of parting and going out, not a lot a lot, but it was the height of my going out phase. My priorities were all out of whack. And then comes along this guy who I instantly knew would change my life. At first our relationship was just that, partying and going out. He was 29, just divorced, and very social. As our relationship progressed he started getting me to make these changes in my life. I quit my job at the restaurant I had worked at for 7 years to take a job with better hours, that he got me. I was terrified but it was a stepping stone to where I am now. He taught me how to be a better parent. And over all he made me want to be a better person. Taking care of him and our kids was the highlight of my life. I miss him so much and am sick at the thought of having to wake up tomorrow morning without him there by my side. 3 years ago, just after my 24th birthday, we made a pact. He said if in 3 years, on your 27th birthday, if things are still the same with us, as in we aren't with other people or we aren't already married, then we will get married. At that time 3 years seemed like a lifetime away. And the thought that he might not be here by then never crossed my mind. Now I don't think we would have really gotten married after my 27th birthday, but I liked to give him a hard time about it. As the years went on he realized that he did not want to get married again, and I was ok with that. It took a while for me to get there, but once I sat back and asked myself 'is him not wanting to get married a deal breaker? If you gave him an ultimatum and he said no would you be ok walking away from him?' my answer was no. I began to realize it wasn't about a piece of paper but it was about who I wanted to spend my days with. Who i wanted to wake up next to everyday, who i wanted to make plans and decisions with. And that person was him. A couple of months ago we had a conversation about our relationship and how we both treated and thought of it as a marriage. And we did. I just didn't have his last name, which is actually the only part about it that bothered me so much. I didn't need a big wedding, or a wedding at all, I didn't need a piece of paper. All I really wanted or needed was the name.