Not so good morning..
Couldn't sleep, feel like I'm gonna vomit.. And I really don't want to go to the gym and meet the trainer today.. Something about working my ass off when I can barely move without nearly vomiting all over the place, just isn't appealing... But, I'm gonna give it hell trying.. Don't need the lecture from my family and I want to lose the weight... Just don't want to force myself to eat today... That's gonna be a tought one.. Especially feeling like this..
I feel like I've drifted so far from everyone.. I'm just.. Here... No real reason.. I have no purpose.. People would be perfectly fine without me.. Wouldn't really matter much either way.. It's not like I do anything useful... : / No job, no one to hang out with aside from my sister and her friends. Not helping anyone or making a positive impact.. I mean.. Seriously... What is the point?
I don't understand why I've gotten so bad.. At least before I could easily fake being happy and okay... I wasn't just this negative waste of space.. But.. That's all I've become.. I am nothing... And the worst part is... There are actually some people who would get upset if I were to die... But why...? I'm not worth it.. I'm not worth worrying about. I'm not worth getting upset over.. I'm just a screwed up girl... That is it.. Nothing more.. Just a girl with no future, no life, who can't let people in because I am too scared of getting hurt again.. So I push people away.. Because, at least if people leave now, it won't hurt so bad, nd eventually.. I will be left with no one.. Who knows.. Maybe that is what I want.. Because, at least then, there will be no one to be sad when I'm gone... No one to think about me.. No one to worry about me.. No one for me to hurt...
One day.. I may not be able to stop myself... And I just want everyone to be happy.. I want everyone to move on and just let me go... I don't want people to be sad, or miss me... Because I'm not worth it... In the last 3 days.. I've almost cut myself so many times... I barely stopped myself.. Hell.. I won't lie, I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep myself from doing it before the gym today.. I haven't wanted to cut this bad... In a very long time... I feel weak... I AM weak.. I've had someone recently tell me that I shoudl go ahead and kill myself.. And How to do it.. And honestly.. I strongly considered it when he said that.. It was almost a relief.. Hearing someone say it'd be okay if I did... It made it feel easier.. But the fear of hurting the people I care about stopped me as always.... Ugh..
It's whatever though... I guess it is time to get my shit together and get ready for the day. Hopefully tonight I'll be able to sleep... Hope everyone else has a good day though! Y'all are awesome and deserve it!
I feel like I've drifted so far from everyone.. I'm just.. Here... No real reason.. I have no purpose.. People would be perfectly fine without me.. Wouldn't really matter much either way.. It's not like I do anything useful... : / No job, no one to hang out with aside from my sister and her friends. Not helping anyone or making a positive impact.. I mean.. Seriously... What is the point?
I don't understand why I've gotten so bad.. At least before I could easily fake being happy and okay... I wasn't just this negative waste of space.. But.. That's all I've become.. I am nothing... And the worst part is... There are actually some people who would get upset if I were to die... But why...? I'm not worth it.. I'm not worth worrying about. I'm not worth getting upset over.. I'm just a screwed up girl... That is it.. Nothing more.. Just a girl with no future, no life, who can't let people in because I am too scared of getting hurt again.. So I push people away.. Because, at least if people leave now, it won't hurt so bad, nd eventually.. I will be left with no one.. Who knows.. Maybe that is what I want.. Because, at least then, there will be no one to be sad when I'm gone... No one to think about me.. No one to worry about me.. No one for me to hurt...
One day.. I may not be able to stop myself... And I just want everyone to be happy.. I want everyone to move on and just let me go... I don't want people to be sad, or miss me... Because I'm not worth it... In the last 3 days.. I've almost cut myself so many times... I barely stopped myself.. Hell.. I won't lie, I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep myself from doing it before the gym today.. I haven't wanted to cut this bad... In a very long time... I feel weak... I AM weak.. I've had someone recently tell me that I shoudl go ahead and kill myself.. And How to do it.. And honestly.. I strongly considered it when he said that.. It was almost a relief.. Hearing someone say it'd be okay if I did... It made it feel easier.. But the fear of hurting the people I care about stopped me as always.... Ugh..
It's whatever though... I guess it is time to get my shit together and get ready for the day. Hopefully tonight I'll be able to sleep... Hope everyone else has a good day though! Y'all are awesome and deserve it!
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