Not So Good
(But then painful is a step up from anxiety, for me. It's more 'present' than 'future'.)
This "learning to express my feelngs truthfully" actually requires me to know and feel what I'm feeling, which is something I have not ever taught myself is okay to do. As a codependent-type, I get my 'correct' feelings from how someone else wants me to feel (as I was trying to explain to Dave earlier). I am VERY sensitive to my enviroments, probably because I am so dependent on it for cues how of how to feel instead of just feeling what I'm feeling. OR, it is just my nature to be highly sensitive to my environment.
What I'm reading about introversion is that it is NOT the same thing as "shyness" (which I claim to have) or as being a "Highly Sensitive Person". Both the introversion and high sensitivity are genetic proclivities, and are not changable. You can adapt to them, but they are part of who you are. So part of the stress is still getting used to my feelings, all of them, and knowing which ones are caused by what. It's really about getting to know my real self and not trying to correct myself to be something I wasn't meant to be. It's learning how much of me is a natural part of who I am and how much is about socialization to conform to what I may not be. It's really screwy. "Defending my feelings from socialization" may be what I am struggling with, that I'm not "suposed to" have my own feelings, or express them, I am "supposed to" lie about them and deny them. HELL! I guess that pretty much describes codependency!!!
Introverts prefer regulation and calm environmnets. They resist change, since they are so "internal"; so when they "wake back up" from their focusig inside and return to the outside world, and it has "changed" somehow, they know it immediately as though it is extremely important that it be as they left it, and it is an unwelcome suprize. Pus, if anyone is unhappy, it must be our fault since we are "supposed to" make certain to express happiness all the time and calm in our environment! HELL! (again!) No wonder we withdraw all the time! We need time away from trying to control how everyone else feels. That kind of neurotic responsibility takes a tremendous amout of psychis awareness and energy!!! It's VERY tiring!!!
So to get to the point today (FINALLY!); when I ask myself "What do I want to do? What kind of 'job' do I really want?" It's like there is no answer. And I find that strange and un-nerving. Really? I really don't want to do anything??!! What I'm trying to figure out is why? Why no feeling? 'Wanting' is a "feeling", not a "thought". I mean I REALLY have to sit down with my mind for a moment and get quiet to make a place for my feelings to appear about this. I can tell you it is a really strange feeling. This "block" is protecting something. What, I don't know. But I want to find out. I feel it is part of the "express your feelings" thing and it is really supressed or repressed. My first response is "What needs to be done?" instead of "What do I want?". The idea that I have a choice is a VERY conflicting feeling. I really don't know what to do with it yet. It's like "BAM!!!" right into a mental (feeling) 24" thick concrete wall! I suppose it will be necessary to relax and rest and make it safe to find out what is behind the wall. What is it protecting and why?
I am having, and always have had, trouble stating what I have to offer. What is my gift? What do I WANT to give. And yesterday I was asking myself if it was back to approval seeking, and socialization. what is needed by everyone else, and not me. Self-abandonment seems to be the answer. It still gets back to allowing myself to feel my own genuine feelngs about myself, without judgment and criticism. To be objective in describing myself to myself, and whatever I find I need to approve of by myself. It is a really strange feeling to know that I don't really have an identity that I know and can depend on for my survival. Then again, it makes for good research. Perhaps it's why I'm here; to help figure it out for others.
Gotta go...
This "learning to express my feelngs truthfully" actually requires me to know and feel what I'm feeling, which is something I have not ever taught myself is okay to do. As a codependent-type, I get my 'correct' feelings from how someone else wants me to feel (as I was trying to explain to Dave earlier). I am VERY sensitive to my enviroments, probably because I am so dependent on it for cues how of how to feel instead of just feeling what I'm feeling. OR, it is just my nature to be highly sensitive to my environment.
What I'm reading about introversion is that it is NOT the same thing as "shyness" (which I claim to have) or as being a "Highly Sensitive Person". Both the introversion and high sensitivity are genetic proclivities, and are not changable. You can adapt to them, but they are part of who you are. So part of the stress is still getting used to my feelings, all of them, and knowing which ones are caused by what. It's really about getting to know my real self and not trying to correct myself to be something I wasn't meant to be. It's learning how much of me is a natural part of who I am and how much is about socialization to conform to what I may not be. It's really screwy. "Defending my feelings from socialization" may be what I am struggling with, that I'm not "suposed to" have my own feelings, or express them, I am "supposed to" lie about them and deny them. HELL! I guess that pretty much describes codependency!!!
Introverts prefer regulation and calm environmnets. They resist change, since they are so "internal"; so when they "wake back up" from their focusig inside and return to the outside world, and it has "changed" somehow, they know it immediately as though it is extremely important that it be as they left it, and it is an unwelcome suprize. Pus, if anyone is unhappy, it must be our fault since we are "supposed to" make certain to express happiness all the time and calm in our environment! HELL! (again!) No wonder we withdraw all the time! We need time away from trying to control how everyone else feels. That kind of neurotic responsibility takes a tremendous amout of psychis awareness and energy!!! It's VERY tiring!!!
So to get to the point today (FINALLY!); when I ask myself "What do I want to do? What kind of 'job' do I really want?" It's like there is no answer. And I find that strange and un-nerving. Really? I really don't want to do anything??!! What I'm trying to figure out is why? Why no feeling? 'Wanting' is a "feeling", not a "thought". I mean I REALLY have to sit down with my mind for a moment and get quiet to make a place for my feelings to appear about this. I can tell you it is a really strange feeling. This "block" is protecting something. What, I don't know. But I want to find out. I feel it is part of the "express your feelings" thing and it is really supressed or repressed. My first response is "What needs to be done?" instead of "What do I want?". The idea that I have a choice is a VERY conflicting feeling. I really don't know what to do with it yet. It's like "BAM!!!" right into a mental (feeling) 24" thick concrete wall! I suppose it will be necessary to relax and rest and make it safe to find out what is behind the wall. What is it protecting and why?
I am having, and always have had, trouble stating what I have to offer. What is my gift? What do I WANT to give. And yesterday I was asking myself if it was back to approval seeking, and socialization. what is needed by everyone else, and not me. Self-abandonment seems to be the answer. It still gets back to allowing myself to feel my own genuine feelngs about myself, without judgment and criticism. To be objective in describing myself to myself, and whatever I find I need to approve of by myself. It is a really strange feeling to know that I don't really have an identity that I know and can depend on for my survival. Then again, it makes for good research. Perhaps it's why I'm here; to help figure it out for others.
Gotta go...
Replies