not sure

im not panicking as bad right now. i am not sure though when the next time will come for a nightmare or a panic attack. my anniversary is coming up, i am still in a lot of pain and still have yet to face the pelvic exam. my anniversary is one that triggers a lot because my husband was the attacker. i am split up from him, but have yet to get a divorce. i dont know why but i thought i had gotten over him and made peace with everything. but this year is our tenth anniversary and i saw his facebook page in june which in june 2005 was when i had him arrested and a po put on him. he has left me be, but when i saw his facebook page, so many feelings came up. i want him back and that makes me feel so stupid and wrong. why would i love him after everything i went through? then there is the other part of me that is terrified. i have been having a lot of problems lately again. some that i have not had in some time. the panic attacks are back, the nightmares are raging right now, and i am having insomnia due to the nightmares. i thought i had finally gotten to the point that i could start to recapture my life. i had enrolled in college again. had started going out of the house more. different things like that. now i find myself finding any reason to not have to leave the house. i also find myself reconsidering the thought of college. im scared to death about having to go each and every day out into the world. i have been trying to do all my coping stuff and none is working right now. usually my blanket and distracting myself and all the other things at least one of them will work. im at a loss with all of these feelings bottled. i dont want to talk to my family. i do not want to go to a therapist. i feel stupid in letting all of this bother me. shouldnt i be over it by now? i mean come on there is only so many times you can relive the terror and the shame right? i know the answer to that but i wish that i could just forget once in a while. im also scared that i will start to lose time again. in fact im not so sure i didnt the other day at the doctors. i also think that i did during the ultrasound. so basically im not sure of anything right now. i just need to be at peace tonight. and all i can do is sit here and ramble about something that happened so long and yet so recent ago. i want to just be held right now and as crazy as it sounds, i just want his arms around me....how stupid am i to want that? okay, maybe i am using the stupid word to much. but i feel like that and after all this rambling i have gone from okay to horrible again.