not really sure what to talk about and so I'll just type

it's been an interesting day. I came to a place today where I was taking care of things well enough

and then suddenly I got mixed up. I was trying to think about taking myself out for a hike or what

I might do in place of that. Perhaps it was fatigue from being alone all day

and having not talked to anyone aside from the McDonald's take out window guys :)

I felt really weak and insecure. But as I need to be self responsible

like we all do, I started to figure I just need to learn to live with nervousness and a feeling of a lack

of strength. I don't feel nervous all the time so perhaps I can look at this time as my choice of what I do

when I am not feeling so strong. We all have 'go to' things for when we're feeling it I imagine.

Trying not to make food my remedy. Writing here is feeling a little bit like mental masturbation but that's kind

of harsh. It does help to know that someone might read this and leave a comment. And perhaps it is

just for me to write to myself like a message in a bottle. I talk to my therapist tomorrow... and am so glad about that.

Getting back on point, I was feeling really nervous and frail and I thought a lovely thing to do would be to buy a guiness pack and bring it

back to my home. But in seriousness, I need to not splurge because I go back to work in a week and won't receive

a pack check for two weeks. So I thought I just need to get myself out of the apartment where I've been all day with

Blue the cat. I thought a compromise for treating myself would be a cappuccino at the McDonald's across the street.

And so I bought it. It is really good and in fact a LOT better than drinking a beer - better for me - and it's hitting the spot. While I was driving out there I thought about going back to the monastery. I feel like I am aware of my limits

and my nature - and being in a structured supportive social living environment might suit me... I appreciate that is what I might be able to handle and would have a sense of being productive helping out around the farm. I hope that doesn't sound judgemental - just trying to be expressive of what I am considering. I think though right now I have to keep focusing on taking care of the here and now. I think once I head back to work next week, I'll have a different attitude.

I'll be glad for the work and money and teammates. I hope you guys are doing alright and sending peace

and good vibes out there! :-)