not ready for the world to come in....

shhhh.  move slowly........ease into the universe.  take your time.  there is no rush........there, there it's alright.

happy mother's day momma........how is heaven?  you've been there such a long long time.......i always wanted more closeness with you......more time laughing, more time doing things together.  remember how you used to roll out pie crust?  somewhere  you found a little glass pie plate for your little girl to bake her own pie in.........you made the big pie and i made the little pie.  with cinnamon and sugar, with fresh red delicious apples......your dough for the crust good for sampling.......the smells in the kitchen as the pies baked......time with momma.

time with you before you became so sick.......for some reason you thought i could have all the talent of shirley temple........you enrolled me in tap lessons.  you had taps put on a pair of your high heels so we could tap together.  i can still see you with your long legs.....your heels tapping to the music.  my fumbly attempts to keep up with you when all i wanted to do was watch you.  you were my first movie star......elegant.  lovely.......beautiful. 

remember sunday mornings?  you would open a white shiny slim box holding your nylons.  you would always wear gloves, treat your stockings with such care......nylons were a luxury for so many our family included.  you would sit at your vanity amidst the bottles and jars and turn into the most wondrous creature and you did it all for church.  our little lutheran church only one block away.......you wore Eau De Paris Toilette Water......Momma explained that it meant a lightly scented cologne to enhance a woman's natural beauty.......nothing to do with toilets at all!  but it still made me giggle.......c'mon i was little and learning from two older brothers!

your pretty dresses transformed you from the momma who did the wash outside next to the clothesline......after the clothes would churn our dirt away you would run them through the top of the machine, the machine had a hand crank with rollers that squeezed the excess water out before hanging our clothes in the sun to dry.  you worked hard.......you planted seeds and pulled weeds to help put food on the table.  you planted sweet green peas, green beans, radishes......red and icicle......watermelons, strawberries, carrots, more than i can remember......all fresh and good.  not that i fully appreciated it back then......i thought canned goods made us appear fancier, richer......boy was i silly.......now i love all things fresh.

you planted flowers......you made our world prettier. softer, nicer.......you looked after us.  you tended us with great care for as long as you were able.......your illness robbed all of us.....robbed you, robbed John, Dan, myself, Carol and Donna.......of that special loving mother.  hard to understand why mental illness came for you, took away such a majority of who you were, how you loved us all......how you lived in the world. 

i still miss that momma......the one when i was a little girl dancing with my momma.......loving the sounds that our shoes made on the concrete basement floor.....we would stand near the bannister......and watch ourselves in that long mirror you had dad bring down for us .....for our own little studio.  do you remember momma?  do you remember us?  love you momma......love you always and always.  hurts aside........love remains. 

growing up i so often felt motherless......but now today i want you to know that despite how hard it was, despite it all i loved you then and i love you still.  your little girl, ruthie