Not knowing

I am starting to be aware of how I don't really like who I am when I am around my parents 

and siblings at times ....

In realizing this when I am alone I am able to see

that in the 'not knowing' how to change this, how to be likeable to even myself

and so, how to change myself,

when I am alone, I have been instinctively trying to perfect who I am

in the hopes of being the person I would want to be. I don't know if that's useful.

So I've hit a wall. Last night when I was with my family - it wasn't my parents

who I felt animus from, but it was my brother in law.. And it's not totally 

about animus from - but a sense of my own failing at time that I see myself

as flawed.

But the more I struggled to be who I hoped to be - it seemed to augment

this conflict. I try to be humble, I try to be myself and add to the conversation

but I've just been seeing this struggle within me - at times I try to be all things -

while 'out there' and while alone at home....feeling unloveable and 'in the moment' not so much in 'the grace of life.'

The NOT KNOWING can cause anxiety - the NOT KNOWING can make us react

and create 'mental endeavors' to fill in the gaps within us...I've so often been admiring

of the people who could accept themselves warts and all. I didn't understand how they

could accept the dark side of themselves as they got along in life...but now I've come

to that point - where I kind of have to accept myself and love myself for who I am.

And I see there's some things to love.

I try - and I guess that's a worthy thing. I am not all bad, I am not all good. I have

my faults, I have my attributes. In the NOT KNOWING we have to believe we are worthy

and we can make a start forward, one step at a time to keep on keeping on and be the best

we can be. I don't know why my heart has grown dark at times recently but maybe I can take

lesson from it.

I like this song. The lyrics, by Sondheim are amazing!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLI4jelnYAI