Not "Just Another Day"
It's been a couple of days since I made a journal entry. I've had a nasty bout with an intestinal bug, and I'm afraid I have spent more time in the bathroom than at the computer. Feeling lousy physically also has the effect of diminishing my motivation to explore my thoughts and put them into words. I still feel crappy and lack motivation, but I need to express myself today so I will give it a go.
I kept telling myself that today is "just another day", and that my plan for processing my grief will continue MY way, and I'll be enjoying my life in very short order. I've always been a planner and a plotter, attempting to live my life according to some sort of order and schedule, thereby avoiding the twists and turns that seemed to always mess other people up. And it's hard for me to just "let go" and "let God" when it comes to how I conduct my life and view my outlook on my present and my future.
Today would have been Barbara's 58th birthday. And it's not "just another day". In spite of my plans and schemes to be further down the road that I am reluctantly on, I find myself saddened that she is no longer among the living, and happily celebratring her day.
But this morning, just before dawn, I took my coffee and my dogs out back for my morning visit with God, and we watched the miracle of His sun slowly, ever so slowly, rising on yet another gift of a new day. As I sat, saddened that a tear had appeared on my cheek, it came to me that it is perfectly O.K. to feel as I do. It's O.K. to FEEL the myriad of emotions that resulted in my crying. God was telling me that the tears, the sadness, the sense of loss, the despair; all of this is merely a validation of my humanity. People feel this way when they lose something precious. No, not precious in the sense of it's intrinsic value, but rather in it's human value. Losing those we love brings us to a place we fear the most. It's a dark place where we dwell until such time as the light that is within us begins to overtake the darkness. But, just as it takes time for the sun to rise each morning, it takes time for our light to shine and dominate the darkness once again.
So, as I mark another "milestone" on my journey of grief, I am comforted by my relationship with God, and I know that He is guiding me as I travel. He knows of my sadness, and he knows of my fears. And he has promised me His love and His Grace. And all I need to do is to have faith. And I do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSnlMPWfUX8&feature=related
I kept telling myself that today is "just another day", and that my plan for processing my grief will continue MY way, and I'll be enjoying my life in very short order. I've always been a planner and a plotter, attempting to live my life according to some sort of order and schedule, thereby avoiding the twists and turns that seemed to always mess other people up. And it's hard for me to just "let go" and "let God" when it comes to how I conduct my life and view my outlook on my present and my future.
Today would have been Barbara's 58th birthday. And it's not "just another day". In spite of my plans and schemes to be further down the road that I am reluctantly on, I find myself saddened that she is no longer among the living, and happily celebratring her day.
But this morning, just before dawn, I took my coffee and my dogs out back for my morning visit with God, and we watched the miracle of His sun slowly, ever so slowly, rising on yet another gift of a new day. As I sat, saddened that a tear had appeared on my cheek, it came to me that it is perfectly O.K. to feel as I do. It's O.K. to FEEL the myriad of emotions that resulted in my crying. God was telling me that the tears, the sadness, the sense of loss, the despair; all of this is merely a validation of my humanity. People feel this way when they lose something precious. No, not precious in the sense of it's intrinsic value, but rather in it's human value. Losing those we love brings us to a place we fear the most. It's a dark place where we dwell until such time as the light that is within us begins to overtake the darkness. But, just as it takes time for the sun to rise each morning, it takes time for our light to shine and dominate the darkness once again.
So, as I mark another "milestone" on my journey of grief, I am comforted by my relationship with God, and I know that He is guiding me as I travel. He knows of my sadness, and he knows of my fears. And he has promised me His love and His Grace. And all I need to do is to have faith. And I do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSnlMPWfUX8&feature=related
Replies
Remember the shortest verse in the Bible: \"Jesus Wept\".
If the Kind of All Glory can do so...so can I.
Very moving...and you have a greater Light that is beginning to shine in you...the Light of the world...Jesus...and as the Son rises in you, there will be no room for darkness, so let Him rise, Joe, let Him rise... Extra prayers and an extra hug for you this day... ~E~
My Friend Joe - May God continue to hold you in the palm of His hand. Listening to the birthday song brought tears to my eyes. May God be very close to you today.
Hugs, Carla
Wishing Barbara a happy birthday and wishing you peace and comfort. Hope you feel better. Take care, Sandra
Letting go and letting God....in life we must try to take control of those things we are able to, in the process we diminish our ability to just let go. I let God, sometimes it is with the utmost faith and other times it is with the effort to do so. Either way letting God is in my heart as my intent.
The first year is full of milestones, some we remember quietly and others strike us with renewed sorrow. In a month I will have endured and survived a year. I continue to pray for strength and guidance, not just for myself but for all here who share this journey with me.
God Bless you Joe.
Linda
\"..a time to mourn\" there are many, this is one...truly \"mourning dove\".
caring thoughts meant to wrap you in a hug as you feel what today brings are on their way to you....
Joe,
I am just now approaching the firsts in the grief journey.
I hope I can go through it with the same attitude and grace you are. Keep God close.
Dave
Wishing you comfort and peace -
Doye
Praying For You and Wishing You Peace and Comfort,
Also...
Love Ya, Barbara
Joe Beautiful post and song and Im glad you are able to let the tears fall knowing it all will be ok. I was just like you a planner, list maker and had to know what the next move would be weeks early. I need to have a game plan form the time I started practice till the light went out at the super bowl, until 5 months ago. I quickly realized after all the planning in the world about our lifes together didnt amount to hill of beans. Slowly I have come to terms with not being in control and as I have done so the healing is progressing better. I know we all have to take care of what needs to be done and I do that but when it comes to matters deep down inside me is where I let go and let God
God Bless Dave
Joe,
I hope you are feeling much better, and your thoughts have become clear and concise once again. Being ill is the pits, and being ill with weakness and haziness is the ultimate pits. Your journey sounds rich and full of God\'s reinforcements. March on, Soldier of God, for He brings Beauty for Ashes--Isaiah 61:3 \"...to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.\" Blessings to you. TJ
All of the firsts that will be the hardest for me start in the middle of October. I have been doing and feeling so much better but I know I will feel the breath of the grief monster on my back........ready to pounce again very shortly and I fear being pulled \"back\" into the sadness. I just have to remember God is in control and let Him help me through it. Glad you are feeling better.
Hugs, Dianne
Joe...very beautiful journal...I don\'t know if you know the song \"Keep Me In Your Heart\" by Warren Zevon but my step daughter sang this song at my Buddy\'s burial...
Here is the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMTKb-pgxGI
Dearest Joe I was sorry to read that you had been unwell and I hope you are feeling much better now.The birthdays of our loved ones always remain special to us and allows us to feel the pain that we learn as survivors to bury within our fragile hearts, it\'s good to shed the tears , it affords us a kind of release.God Bless you and comfort you, you are in my thoughts and prayers,much love,caz x